Besides the point

“Aye not trying to put any pressure on you or anything. Some days I’m not even sure if I still believe in love. All that is beside the point, but do you want to get food? I really want ichiban fried rice and if I go alone the cook who makes the food right in front of you and will probably look at me weird. And I don’t want awkward silence when he does the egg flip trick” 

That was a text I almost sent the other day. Instead of taking you out I just ordered take out. I watched Criminal Minds and profiled myself. Then thought about all my friends who are crying out for help, but I can’t catch everybody’s tears.

 I look everyone in their eyes so I know their fears. Now I wonder how long I’ll think about that moment. Like my memories are throwing stones off the dock to my souls imaginary lake house. 

We from a generation where no one thinks they are wrong but no one ever seems to get it right. I learned to take my apologies in the form of goodbyes and instead of I miss you during the day time just drunk text at 3 am on a Saturday night

Was that too real?

You and everything you represent is important to me.

I think about it often but I know I’m crazy so I don’t know if it’s on my mind too much. If I’m stuck in a spot and like my fantasies is a 90 sitcom “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”

Being honest with women who I think could be my soulmate has always been my Achilles heel. 
Making unedited movies in my mind and my thoughts the directors cut. Trying to find the balance between doing everything you can and realizing that it’s never enough.

But that’s besides the point.

I could never tell you how to feel. 

Blame it on my ego but I think I should still be on your mind. I hope my touch like long walks outside at night give you chills. Guess it’s just confidence that I think a conversation could have you back by my side. I know I’m a man with flaws but all the cracks in my good intentioned soul is what makes me gorgeous. I call you wonderful because you are full of wonder. I am often curious about you. This earth is full of elements and when it comes to your nature I love the way you move. I’m just trying hard to be your husband and future baby’s father. I think I’ve gone too far. 

But fuck it I’ll go further…

 I like communication so sometimes I often say too much. But these the things I ponder about as I crave your love.

I am curious of what will become of us. Because I’ll trust fall…in love with you like if God himself said you were the Devil against Heaven I would be treasonous.

Now what the Hell did I just say?

Fuck it I’ll go harder…

I’ll hold you tight while angels who watch over me sing the long goodnights. Everything I want to do you is a sin but it feels so right. Everything after is change when the morning comes. I want to change your name, I want to change where you live, I want to change how you think about things that use to cause you pain.

You’re afraid of love cause of all it can mean.

Say that out loud three times to yourself.

“I’m afraid of love because all it can mean”

“I’m afraid of love because all it can mean”

“I’m afraid of love because all it can mean”

Now what does it all really mean?

Once you get past the passion you start to think.

You took chances before, so who am I to just come along and ask you to believe in me?

The audacity I have to hope that you see what I see. My vision is better than 20/20 that’s what the doctor said. So many things about you are crystal clear, can’t get the visions out my head. Yet I still want to solve all your mysteries. 

But that’s besides the point.

Learning to laugh at clocks because timing is an ironic joke lately. 

The feeling is strange. I don’t know if I lost you or if I just never had you. Cause somewhere in between the two started to feel like I need you. Cause in the end I felt like I was paying for another mans sins. Your past had a grip around your throat but that’s where my hand should be as you lay with me.

So now I go places hoping you’re there because I’m on the search to appreciate art for fuckssake. Before you find love is it mandatory you figure out all the ways a heartbreak? I admire people who check their baggage so that they can fly again. Hoping invitations turn to late night rendezvous because sending a good morning text isn’t the same as waking up and holding you. I like you and a lot of things about you.

But that’s besides the point

 

Now images of you come in my dreams and it weird because it’s only by chance if I see you in reality. This is all just a flare of how it might be. Exploring the deep sea. We all swim in the ocean looking for someone that meets the criteria of our list. You were the shark of my fantasy so it’s not as easy as just going and finding another fish. That’s like shooting shotguns in the sky to prove that god exist. The Summer of “What’s if”. Fall leaves and the symbolizes how it “May be”. Meet me as the stage sets for next Spring. As the Earth tilts the seasons change it’s up to you the people that remain. I was thinking bout forever and you said you didn’t have the time. Words like that don’t even leave a chance for a long good bye. 

I don’t want to go to sleep angry 

I want to know you’ll be there 

But who gives a flying fuck about what I want. I might as well take all these feelings and skydive with them. Take my chances screaming from rooftops and just hope you hear. Every time I do this I realize I have less peers. I realize no one cant materialize it like me. Words just move different when they coming from me. But the longer I’m not with you I realize I’m losing time. I’m missing anniversaries. Skipping over holidays. Vacations for one that I envisioned for two. Saving dates to go on dates with you know who when everyone knows you know who is you. Like those words; it’s all twisted. I’m missing the chances of having first be my last. Gwyn sending text making sure I’m okay. She wondering if I’m lovesick. It’s hard trying to communicate the immune system of romantic who is hopeless. I wonder if she’ll even she that line. I appreciate her.

But all that’s besides the point.

Back to you and me and all the things in life that are suppose to be us. We just getting older and if we don’t figure it out how we going to tell people we been together for 20 years? I’m past the stage of high school sweet heart. I want a love story but yet I keep writing about heartbreak. I want you in my life, I want you at my table, I want you in my bed. I lucid dream next to a body pillow and every night I sleep with the fan.

But that’s besides the point.

I’m off topic. All these tangents ain’t tangible. Sun kissed skin as if you spend every weekend in the tropics. But your past let you know the Winters around here are cold. Ice in your veins from a heavy life when you want to deal with those issues I’m ready to help carry the load. Right now I’m trying to avoid goodbyes and give sincere hello’s. I’m over getting messages reading “I miss you”. 
I want to read :
” I need to see you” , “Let’s figure out”, “I’m staying in tonight and should be with me.” 

Can’t leave it like this. I just hope open doors aren’t your idea of closure.

Hope we don’t end up just sharing glances across crowded rooms and I’m no longer allowed to give those hugs that make you pull me closer. 

Who do you look for in crowds? 

I hope your fears and my mistakes don’t make us come up short in the lovers race. We too tall to take anything but first place. Only jump at the night sky if it’s the stars you want to win. We work together too well intertwined to let this potential just dangle in the wind.

Honestly I was just hungry and wanted to be around you. After all that I realize it’s more about what you want

All of this is besides the point.

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