Whatnots

This is going to be heavy. I designed it that way. So stop reading right now if you can’t handle the weight.

For everyone else here get in tune with yourself and breathe easy
Hard Body
Hard Body
I love you and whatnot…
I want to kill myself and whatnot…
It’s just a feeling I have sometimes among a long list of feelings I have sometimes.
I would never do it though I need you to believe that because I don’t want you to look at me different. 
I just had to say it out loud and I know you are someone who will listen.
I have too much to live for and whatnot…
These thoughts aren’t worth dying for and whatnot….
That’s what I tell myself in the mirror, in the shower, when I’m going just fast enough on the freeway but convincing myself not to crash.
I know none of these negative thoughts are real. But if I say that enough times will I start to believe the happy thoughts are fake as well?
I care about you and whatnot…
I want you closer than most and whatnot…
But sometimes it feels as if I live in a sky scraper that came without an elevator and I can’t expect you to take the stairs every time you need to communicate. Still it’s such a beautiful view up here and I decorated my mental so ascetically pleasing how can you expect me to move. I want you around but I’m scared to get use to you. Cause if you leave then who do I go to?
I feel broken, confused and whatnot…
I don’t know what’s next or direction to go and whatnot…
There seems to be all these dead ends. I guess I’m grateful I woke up and I’m alive again. I’d have more faith in myself if I thought there was something more to believe in. I guess the point is to keep going on when you only see one set of footsteps in the sand. I came to build castles around here. I arrived with thoughts of empires on my shores. In order to do that you can’t be scared of the tide.
I just want to feel good. 
I just want to feel content.
Because I promise you I’ve felt everything else.
I fear I’m always making the wrong decisions and whatnot…
I am still trying to figure out who I really am and whatnot…
I have a whole secret life nobody knows about but you where we go on long drives and you tell me fantasies about how we going to move. Manifesting all the ways we will leave. I lose myself in the names. As if every syllable is a different personality. I cherish that you remind me who I really am. I know things don’t always go as I planned. I am scared to say what I want because I don’t even know what I need. I like where I am but I can’t let it stop me from where I’m supposed to be. I feel like I’m renting time because when the climate changed everything around felt like heat. I want to own my destiny I just want something permanent in a world where everything feels like another lease.
I just want to feel good. 
I just want to feel content.
Because I promise you I’ve felt everything else.
I keep telling myself it’s not my fault and whatnot…
I keep telling myself it’s not my fault and whatnot…
I keep telling myself all these truths that feel like lies.
I really hope that I believe it soon. I know I am more than what others have done to me. I know I am more important than my past. I know having fear gives them power over me. Still that doesn’t change how what I’ve been through makes me feel. It doesn’t change how I feel at my weakest in the moments where I need strength. I wish I didn’t let you take part of me away with you. But you did. It was evil and selfish and you did it anyways. You knew everything you put me through and I didn’t have the power to stop it. I deserve better for myself and I really hope I believe that soon. Still sometimes soon isn’t soon enough. 
The good times on my breath I can still taste last nights liquor on my lips.
I’m thinking about these moments and the pictures I never smile in. Thinking about the dreams that died in right before I’d awake. The nightmares that I stay alive to just feel the pain.
Thinking about the friends that I always pray for are the ones I also always sin with.
I guess in life you have to balance. When this all ends you either fall or fly. Just promise when I’m gone you’ll tell my stories and won’t cry. I keep all the secrets to myself like the things only I can tell. Still I speak the truth when I converse thats why I’m never the one they doubt.
I write religious movies with these words think of me as cinematic scripture. A direction of all the cuts you made just to feel again. They called you an actor like you did this for attention. It was stability never fame you were after. I never shed tears like rivers but I can scribe oceans of my thoughts. She said we better together but she still remembers how to grow on her own. You should pay for the things I think but this time I rather a few thousand hear than the millions of voices in my head tell me I’m alone. We don’t take vacations anymore this spooky timeline is different. Guardian angels approach with the blessings I forgot to mention. The ghost of my past are scary please don’t say that I’m trippin. It’s sober October that means there’s no drugs in my system.

Who do I let down today as I can’t let go of yesterday and think about how far tomorrow is away.

Think about it as much as you want to. Think about it too much or too little. This is the perception of freedom. Darling I can’t control you. Darling I can’t contain you. Darling all I can say is think about all of this as much as you want to, but for me I have to live.

I have to touch it.

I have to see it.

Darling these thoughts are with me everyday I have to live it.

I just want to feel good.
I just want to feel content.
Because I promise you I’ve felt everything else and whatnot….

I guess all this takes balance and whatnot…

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