My New Years Resolution this year was to tell the people that matter in my life that “I love them” more often. It’s been how I’ve casually ended conversations with the humans who are important in my existence and time spent in this world. No matter what happens with locations this will remain constant.
These phone calls make everything change. I left a voicemail but now I’m just glad to hear your voice. Making peace treaties with my rights and war with my wrongs. I know there’s more important things than possessions of the world. Destroy brick and motor, collisions of motors. Reflection in the mirror fucking up my depth perception.
Death is in the mirror and closer than it may appear.
Just because I’ve never been masterful at goodbyes doesn’t mean I ever want you to leave my good graces.
Good gracious these are the days we look back and remember fondly how good the times were.
In the instant of a crash all of that could change.
There’s so much left in this journey. I don’t want you trying to conquer the open road to be your final destination.
On our bad days we often think about what would happen if we didn’t use our brakes. On our good days we feed our desire to go fast because we feel as if nothing can stop us. We never stop to wonder the aftermath of if we actually crashed.
No one young thinks they can die until they stop breathing.
As soon as that adrenaline hits. Before the pain of your body getting tossed into a new reality. Your life flashes before your eyes. I know it’s true because this has happened to me multiple times as the visions added up. I saw your face in those moments.
You question all those equations that you never managed to figure out.
We are made of stars and the universe always brings balance. Everything will equal its self out.
We are all just a combination of everything that we went through. I know you’ve been through a lot. Still please don’t die on me because good or bad you haven’t been through enough yet.
Wisdom comes with age and good advice comes from experiencing pain.
I know that all those overbearing doubts and dangerous anxiety is all in my mental. I really don’t care if you use me as long as you let me know that I meant something
All of this is in my mental. I don’t care if you use me, just let me know that I meant something.
It all happened in a split second…
Please brace for impact, there’s about to be a collision.
You ever see a heart break in front of you in real time? Can’t say goodbye again to anyone. I can’t go to more funerals to celebrate lives just wondering who I miss more.
Life flashes before your eyes. Blockbuster vision. Wish I could rewind and do some of these things over again. Wish I could live some of these beautiful and important moments twice. Wish I knew the math of love that was once in a lifetime. Hearts don’t break even and good intentions doesn’t equal the timing being right.
I don’t want to have to be nostalgic about making those late night drives. Listening to music and crumbling rocks until they were white sand.
A wave of emotions just hit me.
You know the vibes.
What happens when we actually do crash?
I often observe and everyone’s around but no one is there.
Who is there for you?
Sometimes I can’t even be there for myself. But I make sure I’m there for everyone else. Because I never just want to be around. I don’t want to be just another voice to add to the orchestra in your head.
I don’t even feel like myself in crowded rooms. That’s why no matter who is around, no matter who reads, I operate like it’s just me and you.
Wearing all white like it won’t catch moisture from the summer glow of this black skin. Wearing all black like I’m ready for my death. I hope some of my pureness shines through. Everything could change just a two hour drive out.
Mixed and mastered these songs that are the soundtrack to my life.
It seems I get stronger every time I lose a friend but I don’t want any more strength. I just want somebody that’s going to be there in the end. I know memories fade but they’ll come back as I look you in your face.
I’ve been driving the straight and narrow but what happens when I relapse? What happens when I crash?
They’ll surely blame it on my bloodwork but you don’t know what I did get to this point. You should be more focused on how my mind works.
You notice how quick I switch gears.
You breathing is music to my ears. I need encores, I need remixes, I need to let you know how I feel like it’s a Sunday Nights Slow jams shoutout on the radio.
I beg of you, please don’t crash. But if you do I’ll always be there.
Beautiful women that you want to get to know so fast it feels like a race. With curves like hers why would you ever want to use your brakes?
I want to send a text to my former spark, ask if she okay. Something simple like “ You crossed my mind like you do often. Let me know if you need anything” but I don’t know who she with. These things aren’t my business. Text written from sincerity can cause arguments. So I can’t breathe air into old flames. I gotta stay in my lane cause if not a certainly crash again.
I can’t just merge. I need to signal first.
I see your face in these moments when I’m moving at dangerously high speeds.
I see your face in these moments when everything is slowed down and I take a minute to appreciate the chaos around me.
I can’t believe we lived through this.
I’m grateful we lived through this.
I want to miss people because I’m leaving. I don’t want to miss them because they are gone. There is such a difference. Understand me now because I don’t want to have to explain.
Talked to the universe about you. It was so important some hours passed and I talked to the stars again.
I’m grateful we’ve all made it through this.
I got things I need to say now. I’m over flashbacks of humans no longer here that I treated like kin. I don’t want to keep these secrets because it’s been a long day without you my friend. So I got to write it now and tell you all about it when I see you again.
Driving at high speeds trying to get away from a weekend of sin. Praying to these flickering City lights as if they are shooting stars. I can’t lose no more friends. I probably shouldn’t write like this. And after all those shots I probably shouldn’t hit send. I should keep it short and say…
keep it short and say…
You lost yourself now, find yourself again
You lost light now, find light again
There’s so many shadows, don’t become comfortable with the darkness.
But fuck all that I can’t follow those trends.
I’ve always been one to be in the wrong place wrong time. I always been the one to write what everyone else was thinking as they tried to read between the lines. I always took those calculated risk that the law calls crimes. So I always watch the exit incase the Grim Reaper come and his alarm clock go off saying it’s my time.
Before I go let me casually say I love you.
Your soul looks a lot like mine that’s why I think in the physical we should be intertwined.
Like the waves to the beach
Like cars in front of me
When it all comes crashing down I want you by my side.
Beautiful women that you want to get to know so fast it feels like a race. With curves like hers why would you ever want to use your brakes
Send me nudes that classify as art: I want to appreciate you.
Go to a therapist and heal your inner workings: I want you to appreciate yourself.
I want the best of everything. I don’t want to lose you and I want to find myself.
When’s the last time you held onto someone you love as if a seatbelt?
When’s the last time you admitted you can’t do all of this alone and asked for help?
When’s the last time you went on a drive because the voices from the walls in your house were just too loud?
When’s the last time you felt free enough to be yourself?
When’s the last time you causally said I love you?
When’s the last time you crashed?
Sometimes we have these collisions just to prove that we are still human.
Who do you see in these moments?
Life is always happening at high end speeds.
You shouldn’t expect yourself to always be able to a navigate it.
Sometimes we get lost. Sometimes we crash.
Turn on your head lights and please drive safe.
I wasn’t supposed to release a piece this week, but I did for a good cause. I recently had some friends get into a serious car accident. They have been good people in my life and I know would help me in anyway they can. Just like when WE helped those families for Christmas. I only ask for things that will better other people’s lives. I already donated anonymously but I’ll do a public one to show I never ask you to do anything I wouldn’t do. Thank you all for being good friends of the blog and as always for reading with me. Here’s a link to their GoFundMe for medical expenses