Most Nights

They use to call me J-Bird. Now only my mom call me that every once in awhile. I don’t really like the energy associated with it anymore. Flashbacks of small sounds of just a simple click that would get you in a mode. Nothing is safe and if we die here let my sister know where the money was buried and that I love her before my body gets cold. On those nights I was disconnected from everything, I always felt freezing. In the back of unmarked Mini vans playing gangster rap tunes. Hop out of it pointing to what I want like that poster of Uncle Sam and if I didn’t respect you I wouldn’t even wear a mask everybody on this side town knew my face. Their mothers loved my eyes, their sisters believed my lies, and if I wasn’t down with them their brothers they wanted me to die. I would just say “Run It”. I didn’t really care about shit. If you knew what was healthy or nutritional you wouldn’t scramble with the kid. The same way you blame the Heavens for your fate, but you don’t box with God. No one around me was safe and the reach of my arms like my words both was vicious. So if you weren’t quick with the sprint of what I wanted this would turn into relay race. That means everybody you with leaving empty cause my man _______ in the passenger seat moves with a weird waist and put ghetto batons to your face. See I’m the calm one and tonight I’m heated. This was before the college degrees before my mother said she was proud of me. See I had to prove myself. I’m too tall to act small. And when I was mad I took it out on you, because I also wasn’t tall enough to box with god. Had to duck quick at the basketball court because if you stand in front of bullets that pick up game becomes a killing spree. I treat my monsters as pets no Halo around me, but I ain’t make it out of that just to lose this lead. So I need you to hurry up because right now my nerves is bad and I’m not thinking bout peace. Plus this van is stolen and the gas tank on E. I shouldn’t have to worry about any of these things I’m only 16. This is just what my life was at the time. I thought this is what I would always be.

I thought I was going to die young and handsome. I was perfectly okay with that.

It’s still not too late.

How I have all these worries but not a wrinkle has touched this face? Walking to the corner store every black man that was supposed to be a role model was involved with crack. You sell or you do. You’d do better if only you knew. Who properly educates those that have nothing? Yet still I rise with my skin intact.

I really want you to feel this.

Some nights I just don’t know anymore.

I use to be concern if others would get the metaphors. I use to worry if I’d ever visit a place like Singapore.

I use to wonder if we were poor cause I was starving or if I was starving because we were poor.

There’s not much I worry about anymore.

Those who get it will get it and understand. Those places I want to visit I’ll get there when I get there.

Now I don’t care how we split it among family; everybody eats.

So much honesty in these words.

I really need you to take your time and read this.

Understand you now in the realm of a young black boy who grew into a man that the world never believed in. Those screams turned to roars welcome to the Lions Den.

It’s vultures that circle these blocks. You gotta have pride when you moving them rocks. You get mental Scars. You weren’t protected just because these doors had locks. When I was young my mom couldn’t afford gloves in the winter so she covered her cubs hands with socks.

I’m different.

I was never beloved. I’m never going to be hero. I was from the wrong side of tracks born in the darkest part of the city. We lived in a apartment complex nicknamed Oozie island.

I was meant to be derailed. So I get off the train stop at decent. I don’t lie to myself I know what capable of. I know the evil that’s in me if pushed hard enough. I know that rage I use to have. This ghetto you found me in was a plantation. I was slave to the surroundings of my pain until I mastered the words.

What if that case stuck when the FBI raided our home? What if the kid in the hospital pressed charges and I had to take a trip upstate that was too long? What if I never met Mrs. D? What if when the cops questioned me I said all that knew? What if when they said ______ committed suicide I believed them and went to that house that next day? These were all different times in my life. I got more what ifs but I’ll save them for another time when the world forgets my name.

I gave you some of me when you had doubts. So what are are some of your varied what ifs?

This is usually when we fall apart

This is about the time that we always give up

We feel so upset when nobody hold us down.

Most nights we aren’t sure.

Most nights we just don’t know anymore

We usually are smart enough to know that this version of us is bad idea, but tonight it’s just enough in our system that we don’t care.

Tell me you trust me as I kiss you under the light of full Moons.

I need your comfortability with me to be more than a crescent, then I want you to come over soon.

These are just the phases of us.

Nothing in this cursed life has ever let you down easily. It’s absolutely disgusting what this world has done to you. How is your heart, spirit and soul supposed to keep handling it? You are constantly hurled into vicious circumstances. As if you are skydiving to different parts of darkness and doom and there’s a 50/50 chance a parachute is with you.

You going through a bunch of different moments that it would be ideal to handle them all separately. You would handle them so elegantly if they came one at a time. If you had some time to gather your thoughts before the next problem arrived. That’s not always how life works.

Sometimes it comes for us all at once. We aren’t even lucky enough to get a warning Then we have to give enough of ourselves to so many things in order to keep going.

I know you will keep going.

You move forward like it’s a personality trait.

Control whatever you can control and feel the emotions as they come.

Because all of it will come. You’re not one to crumble, so I’m fascinated to see how you build from rock bottom.

Even when we are down it’s beautiful because if we embrace it; we grow after it.

Seeds come when you are on your knees. Be careful who you give that energy to because you may blossom weeds.

It’s okay to be real with how you feel.

That’s not me giving you permission. It’s just a reminder.

They want you to smile through it all. They want you to be tough because they expect it of you more so than they do any one else.

You’re the strong friend.

You are the strong whoever you are to whatever they are.

So you’re not allowed to be whatever their current version of weak is.

These people think they know you because they see what you post when the week ends.

I’ll give you a second to really think about that line and take it all in.

.

.

.

You still with me? Because I feel like writing.

Most nights we aren’t sure.

Most nights we just don’t know anymore

I wish god was a stripper because then more of y’all would act Christian.

Someone asked what it would take to make me religious?

I said take the pages out the Bible replace it with a hundred grand and I promise to read scripture.

Until the power of the universe comes without tides and fees.

I told her just let me know when she free and I’ll make all the decisions if need be. Let me know I can trust you and I’ll tell you everything. Take our time as you glide through the experience of us, so we can write a love story in the clouds. Don’t jump conclusions.

That’s me in the corner. The introvert just watching how you move and slowly losing my religion.

You’re too good baby. You gotta stop that or you’re going to die young.

It might be for the better because at least then you won’t have to see the world end.

All roads lead to death what truly matters in this life is the path you take to get there.

Peaks or valleys move at your own pace.

Just don’t stop.

This is usually when we fall apart

This is about the time that we always give up

We feel so upset when nobody hold us down.

I’m always calm like when pushed to my limits I won’t go to the extreme. I might blow my fucking brains out just so someone will finally see what I think. I’m truly an alien when it comes to words, so I hope someone in 51 other Areas is feeling me. Kick flip the thought process then rail this line just to clean out my kitchen and room. So there’s no skeletons in my closets or dirty dishes in my sink. I’m always on the brink of my own edge this ain’t insanity this a lifestyle for me.

I really enjoy your sober thoughts. They make me believe there’s still good in the world.

I think I’m okay and usually I’m a good judge a character.

Yeah I got talent in America but I’m not playing a role. So please don’t judge my character.

Please don’t check on me. I flipped a car, been shot at but I’m still broke, so I’m not allowed to die yet.

My momma still work everyday how the fuck could I leave? I can’t go to Heaven with any pure regrets. I can’t go to Hell unless I earn every second I’m there. My old girl I aint text me back yet I gotta continue to breath.

If I got a new girl that’s reading just know the things we do are my favorite secrets.

All my pain comes from my brain I got no reason to bleed.

I gotta move or at least move different.

Using up all these well wishes as if genies really existed. Maybe one day all these people will see they ain’t never had a friend like me.

There’s nothing normal about me and you’re lying to my face if you say there is something normal about you.

Driving down I-80 during the golden hour I reminisce about you. Switch to the 395, I need to forget about us.

How is it I’m down to Fall for you like my favorite season and you won’t even take a trip?

Emotional bikini in the summertime. She shows off her scars like they are tan lines. Right now mentally I’m good but that shit go up and down like rollercoasters and fair rides. She from suburbia it’s only white picket fences when we do these lines. My mom once thought jail time would be the only way that I didn’t die. I hope this isn’t like most nights. I got too much rhythm to dance with Lucifer. Satan ask me to prom just off the rejection of me saying no the Devil May cry.

I move if I’m in a bad state of mind. Pack the uhaul truck up with all the fucks I could give and let someone else drive that bitch. I’m down to promise to be happy if you are down to promise to be happy like the opposite of suicide pact

She got trust issues because of her daddy issues. I heard that and thought of things I never should. Let me in your world and love you like a father never could.

I like you weird. I like you wild. I like you free as possible. Please stay that way.

Before anything else I like you healthy. Do whatever you need to in order to be that most of all.

I beg of you to never be tamed.

We have all these intrusive thoughts and abundance of energy as we become self aware and move through this space.

As space moves through me.

As I look up at the stars for an hour and count that as therapy.

I confided in constellations about all my damaging experiences. All the jarring things I never want the children of my future to say to me. I guess I just want to connect the dots and heal from the trauma.

Most nights I’m just looking for a shooting star so it can feel like my chance to start again.

I know you put on this brave front for the rest of the world and me. But I know what you talk about in your sleep. The things that scare you most when your body should be at peace. Your nightmares get the best of you. I hate that because that means I just get what’s left of you. You tell me to hold you closer when you sleep so for once in this life you won’t run away.

You’ve played a detrimental game of hide and seek with every man that’s ever been in life and they just thought it was tag.

Emotional bikini in the summertime. She shows off her scars like they are tan lines.

You are playing by different rules and you shouldn’t have to ever explain yourself. I just cared enough to figure it out.

I cared enough to know a straight path may be what you portray but really your mind is a maze.

Long walks around the park where childhood innocence was laid to rest at.

Don’t feel indebted just because I care about you.

I don’t want that LOVE back because I know you genuinely needed it at the TIME.

She said I’m too honest. That she doesn’t know what to do with it. That she is intrigued and loves it; she’s just not use to it.

Pull a beautiful little bag out this fanny pack, reveal to you my collection of spoons and let me show you how to feel alive in the middle of the night.

I’m not like this most nights, but you happen to be here on this lovely evening that is slowly transforming into a sunrise.

From time to time I feel like I’m in open water and this boat isn’t steady enough.

I’ve always been a castaway.

This is usually when we fall apart

This is about the time that we always give up

We feel so upset when nobody hold us down.

Most nights I’m not sure.

Most nights I just don’t know anymore

I don’t want to be all your happiness. I never want to be depended on by anyone in that way. I never want to be overly attached to anyone in that way. I can’t be your happiness. I can promise to add to it and never take from it.

In a world full of false prophets is my honest truth enough?

She said she is almost 23 and still has no idea who she is, but she is absolute about one thing. Her favorite color is black.

She wraps herself in colors that are comforting.

Babygirl please listen to what I’m about to say. Be sure of your power. As it is currently contrived you’re body may be the stars but your mind is the sea. Right now these men know more about space than the ocean.

I’m overly focused.

If this is where I go please let me leave in peace.

There’s so many creative ways to destroy me. Please don’t take the easy way out. If you my enemy or my friend. Just pray I get what I deserve.

If you my enemy or my friend all I ask is you pray I get what I deserve.

I have absolutely no problem being the bad guy if it leads to a beautiful outcome.

Just look at the view I’m creating.

Right now I’m mentally good and usually I’m a good judge of character.

In this life we all want to find what we were mean to do, what we were destined for.

Most nights I’m not sure.

Most nights I just don’t know anymore.

This night is different.

I’m starting to become very confident and sure in the fact that I was destined to write like this.

That’s a scary thought.

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