Faded

It’s been too long since I been faded.

Searching human history of my own timeline to figure out when I wasn’t jaded. Besides your lovely bones the only thoughts that run through my mind is when I’ll be able to say that “I made it”. How am I suppose to get that feeling if I’m never satisfied?

I’m focusing on not letting the world bring me down and letting the universe find me.

This is just a game of therapeutic hide and seek.

My friends hate to hear that I’m focusing even more because that means even less that they’ll see me. When’s the last time you made a memory with me? I gotta work hard because to avoid death is what I used all three wishes of my genie. Growing up on the other side of the fence there wasn’t no Wilson or Mr. Feeny. So when I was Boy Meeting World and heard Tool Time it wasn’t for Home Improvement. We was in the back of loaded cars humming the spiritual of Oh La La La like some refugees. I use to think that was all I would ever need. Trying to speak to a stranger in my eyes like Oh Na…nah nevermind.

It’s been too long since I’ve been faded.

In the present dealing with my mental is where the past always comes to find me.

I’ve come to the conclusion no one can talk like me. This year I’ve become addicted to action. So I’m moving in a way that no one can walk like me.

Do you miss me?

Sorry I got off track.

You still running from your problems?

Sorry we won’t discuss the cardio of that.

Reminiscing about my opinions on the matter of fact.

Running in place trying to catch apple of your eye like trust between Adam and Eve is back

You got to break down the weed because there’s snakes in the grass.

I think about you even more when I’m sober that’s how you know I really believe this beautiful thing of ours would last.

I talk you down from ledges because I’m afraid you’ll jump not because I don’t want you to fly.

I’m a kid that grew up in apartments that’s how I think about life.

It’s been too long since I’ve been faded.

I can’t control who I think about.

Trust me every Sunday I try.

Or do you not think so far ahead, cause…

Fuck it nevermind.

Silhouettes of memories run through my mind like a glimpse of old light from the shine of what could’ve been.

We’re so afraid to admit we miss people because we think it gives them power over us.

But denying how you feel there’s no power in that.

It’s been too long since I been faded.

Everything about me is complicated. I guess that’s why people can relate.

I guess that’s just the human side of me.

My system too pure that ain’t the life for me.

I stopped counting the days when my last vice was. I know we in multiple months since something besides words made me feel something. In kitchens with no menus the waiter wasn’t present they could still tell what the price was. I lost you and that regret is priceless.

I remember the smiles on every heart I broke.

I remember the eyes on every dead body I’ve seen.

I remember all the times that I almost died. I can tell you about them if you ignore the no trespassing sign and enter the void in mind.

Where I’m from the city lights so bright we couldn’t even see the stars we wished upon in the night sky. So my grandma would pray just off a faith. I got so accustomed to living nightmares. That I had a fear of putting oxygen into my dreams. No body really wants the smoke so I powered my engine with steam. I’m paranoid in a way that I know isn’t healthy for me. I’m self aware in a way that when I look in mirrors it’s more than just a body I see. I’m broken in a special way but truthfully I think we all are. Shattered glass that reflects what we all been through. I want to understand but I’ve never seen an image quite like you.

I don’t mean to stare but you fascinate me in special ways.

Just know I’m always here if you need me. A lot of people say that just so they can feel better about themselves. Trust me; most of the time I rather be alone. So when I say I’m always here if you need me it’s because it’s real. People will be there when it’s sunny but when darkness comes into your life they act like their empathy and loyalty has a curfew. Some of my best decisions came in my darkest moments. So if you need me I won’t leave. I’m saying all this completely sober. So you know it’s real.

It’s been hours and I can get past the question of “What does it all really mean?”

It’s been too long since I been faded.

Numb for special occasions. Dreams deferred is nothing more than raisins in the sun. I heard the same advice through the grapevine but I’m trying to my aspirations into wine.

These are just the thoughts of someone constantly trying to figure it out. While still being perfectly fine not knowing what all of this is all about.

So this is the thoughts of everybody.

I am infinite and nothing at all.

We are human in every way possible that should be more appreciated.

It’s been too long since I’ve been faded.

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