I Wasn’t Ready To Say Goodbye To Olivia Mooney

I hate that I am so good at writing obituaries. Not because of any reputable amount of skill, but due to so much practice.

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Olivia Mooney..

I knew Livia for 8 years that’s roughly a third of her life. Half of that time we had young dumb romantic magic. The other half we were figuring out how to maintain friendship.

There was the first 2 years were we together as boyfriend and girlfriend and it was the classic college scenario both real early in our 20’s. Me in a fraternity and her in a sorority. Both in the primes of our crazy party days but inseparable. Her social circle of a brother she was born with, friends she’s known all her life and sorority sisters quickly intertwined with my fraternity brothers and friends I played sports with. We had football games, basketball games, pregames, concerts, dates, family dinners, sitting hours at chili’s waiting, spring breaks, festivals, dances, every holiday imaginable and every quiet moment that wasn’t recorded on social media together.

Her parents welcomed me into their home many of times. She was the first girl to ever be properly introduced to all my family. We exchanged gifts and we created memories. We captured moments.

Then we broke up.

We spent the next 2 or 3 years after not being together but still doing everything as if we were together. The timeline got blurred of lovers and friends. Sometime we’d want each other for the moment. Sometimes we’d want each other forever. She’d want me and I wouldn’t want us. I’d want her and then she wouldn’t want us. Until finally those “ I love you’s” turned into “ I’ll always have love for you” or “ Call me if you ever need anything”.

We were friends.

There was times when we fought but we never hated each other. I’d see her out we hugged, talked shit, and catch up. I lived downtown if she got too drunk sometimes her and her friends would crash at my place and I’d sleep on the couch. If one of us got in a relationship we’d keep our distance. We always sent a text on important holidays and birthdays. We’re humans so of course there was some awkward moments.

One time she came over real late and said she needed to talk. I hadn’t seen her in a few months. We drifted a part, weren’t in college anymore, it wasn’t as simple as before. I walked outside she was in a real nice car and we just sat there and talked for 2 hours. The details of the conversation I wouldn’t give if she was alive so I won’t do it now that she’s passed either. But I asked a question. It was one of those questions you ask when you care about someone. And I remember exactly she gave me such an Livia answer “I’m not stupid. I graduated college. I know what I’m doing”. This was in 2018 but I wish it would’ve turned into more of a fight between us at the time if it would’ve changed things.

I don’t think situations like this the ones who truly cared about the person are to blame. I think this is a tragedy of life. Life goes unplanned. We never want those phone calls, text or conversations that change us in a heartbreaking way. But it’s a part of the human experience.

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Olivia Mooney, so I don’t know how to say goodbye to Livia.

She had the type of beauty that she could get the attention of the entire room when she walked in, but her personality no matter how you felt about her is what you would remember her by. Didn’t matter if you wanted to, needed to or had to; you were leaving a conversation with her smiling and laughing about something.

Due to our relationship she was vital part of some of my best memories in my 20’s. I wouldn’t be who I am today had she not been a part of my life. She led me to another group of friends from Reno who are like brothers to me. A group girls from Mcqueen who were like sisters to her. They are all devastated just like anyone who knew her.

They weren’t ready to say goodbye to Olivia Mooney.

I’ll always remember how we were there for eachother. She would never do it in most settings but she was a sharing person and a crier. She had this weird balance of always being herself no matter what, but also caring what others think. It made her so tough and yet so vulnerable when you got one on one time with her.

She cared about other people. I don’t want that part of her to get lost when we tell these stories. She really cared about others no matter who they were and always tried to do the right thing.

I remember being with her alone at the house when the family dog passed rushing to the vet, and her breaking down as she was on the phone talking. I remember when she got Miloh and us not even dating at the time but being one of the first people she called. Going up to tahoe and doing a photo shoot for her with him. I remember 4th of July 2016 heading back to Reno from our cabin in tahoe driving 150 on the freeway cause Miloh was really sick. Her in the passenger seat not knowing what to do. I remember all those conversations we had about your dad. About all the things he loved. About all the great parts of him you saw in Dylan. About how strong your mom was during those high school years. How good of a man Jim was to step up in that situation. I remember the phone call you gave me when you all went to San Diego so they could get married on the beach.

I remember when my Pop Pop passed her being there for me driving around for 4 hours with no destination in sight. I remember everytime I told you about someone from my old neighborhood that passed away or went to jail and how I felt guilty, you’d listen. I remember when Kansas got into his accident we hadn’t talked in months you called me and said “ I know you’re always strong for everyone else. I just wanted to make sure you are okay” I remember every single person who hit my line when my Piqueno passed. I remember you offering to bring me food. You asking me if Cruz was okay and glad that I would be there for him.

There’s so much more that I remember about her. Pictures I have saved. Thoughts I have processed. Memories I’ll put in my minds vault and never let be replaced.

She showed up in moments for people. Livia wouldn’t always say the right thing. She often without filter would say the first thing that came to her mind. But she always was there for people and that’s more important than anything else. Letting someone know you are with them. She was the person that would sit with you until 3am trying to navigate life when you felt like no one else would even want to look at your compass

A mother lost a daughter, my friend lost his twin, many of you lost a sister and even more of us lost a friend. All those memories are sacred, all those bonds special and unique in their own way. That’s why all the pain felt in her absence by so many is valid. She wasn’t here nearly long enough but she was impactful with the time she was in all our lives.

None of us was ready to say goodbye to Olivia Livia Liv Olive Mooney

I’ll remember all our fights, all our laughs. When I was shaping who I was as a man she was one of the people by my side. But I’ll remember even more no matter how complicated you were. You were a really good person.

The last time we talked was February 10 2020; it was your birthday.

We never missed birthdays or holidays.

I wasn’t ready to add Olivia Mooney to the list of people that I think about everyday, but I will because you deserve it angel. We dated for years so naturally we had numerous conversations about the future, family, aspirations and plans. We moved past the stage where we were planning to do those things together. I was no longer going to do those things with you, but I still wanted all of them for you.

I thought we had more time. Which is always tragedy in life thinking we have more time. I thought we’d have more time as being friends. More time of arguing about who put the other on to new music. More time of you texting me and us rooting for the Buckeyes during every big games. More time of making fun of each other and Dylan. More time of you hitting me up randomly to ask for advice. I thought we had more birthdays and important holidays that wouldn’t be missed.

You were genuinely such a light in every room that you that you walked in. It hurts that it ended up being a candle. You deserved the time to be a Sun.

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Olivia Mooney. So instead I’ll just say. I’ll always have love for you and surely I’ll see you again some time.

Rest easy and find peace Livia. Well never forget you here.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. robynbird says:

    Words hold no comfort when you’re grieving, but please know you are being lifted up in healing love and light.

  2. Caroline says:

    Beautifully written. She truly did light up every single room she was in.

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