Ruined

I want to be ruined.

I want to be destroyed.

And I think you want the same thing.

Something so beautiful and tragic that it shouldn’t exist.

Yet here we are. Loving to hate each other.

Yet here we are. Learning to exist with one another.

Why do we chase the ones who think we will never be enough?

Is it simply for the thrill or one day we think it will all become real?

We swim in the depth of our fantasies.

She did her make up on the bus, because she always wanted to be beautiful no matter her surroundings. On her ipod growing up. She use to play Hey There Delilah on repeat because New York seemed so far away.

Oh how badly did she want to get away.

She hated being alone at night because that’s when the worst moments of her life happened.

She hated anyone being with her at night because of all the memories of those things that happened.

She didn’t trust anyone. Not even herself.

Yes it is all very confusing but that’s what makes her uniquely human.

Loving me is the last thing you should do.

All you want to do is make things better.

All you want to do is have her give you all that pain.

I want you to ruin me.

I want you to destroy me.

I’m trying to repair myself I wish you could see that it’s selfish to try and fix me. That your tactics of love move me further from where I need to be. On the days I want to die I wish you wouldn’t try to save me. You may very well be the light at the end of the tunnel but right now all these shadows is what I need.

On the days I want to die I wish you wouldn’t try to save me.

I see the bad in me every night looking up at the ceiling because I can’t sleep.

I get a perfect reflection in all the dark spaces.

Ive realized my flaws in all the wrong places making eye contact across the room with all the wrong faces.

Mistaken identity. I thought I finally figured out who I was.

I. Was. Wrong…

All I ask as a favor is that you do me no favors.

Everyone leaves that’s why I don’t want you to stay.

You trying to pull me in when all I’ve ever known is to push everyone away.

You trying to save me from myself and this whole time I’m trying to save you from me.

There’s no lighthouses around here. I’ll forever be lost at sea.

Everyone ruins me.

Everyone destroys me.

I’d join your cult I believe in you so much. I know you’ll hurt me but at least your go through my heart and not stab me in the back when you cut. I want the intimate passion I have for you to be enough.

I wish it was enough to save both of us.

I wish on the days you want to die you’d let me hold you closer.

I wish you could see what we could be as time whimsically went by and we got a little bit older.

That was accidentally three wishes. Do you believe magic?

No books, no movies. I know how reality ends and it’s always tragic.

Someone always gets left behind to pick up the pieces.

Sometimes you have to deal with the aftermath of a heart you didn’t even break.

My hope for you is really big.

Sorry that wasn’t poetic enough.

You deserve better.

These are words that belong in sophisticated love letters.

I’m writing to you like this is a simple text message and stuff.

Can we try again, because I think about you often.

My hope for you is…..

as tall as warm weather palm trees. The essence of you changes color like a Nevada sunset.

The scenery that is you in the physical is truly wonderful

Blessed be the day my eyes focused upon you.

I wanted to take a picture of it all. But you were not meant to be captured.

Don’t ever let them cage your spirit.

You were not meant to be simplified or figured out.

It would satisfy your heart to just be admired and looked upon.

You’re meant to be as free as declarations that preach independence prentend to be.

How lucky of me that I got the privilege of being ruined by you.

How charming it is that I get the honor to be destroyed by you.

The way your features bloom as I compliment you reminds me of Spring.

You’re a flower where only troubled weeds should Blossom.

I use to love that show

Now all these melodramatic songs I sing as the soundtrack of my life. The lyrics just say your name. Memories of you are the vocabulary to my brain.

The voices in my head want me to go insane. I’m close to the ledge. I feel like a stranger in my own head. So waking and leaving my own bed is like a Walk of Shame.

Tell me I’m not alone…

We are just a relic of what we once were. Something to be discovered by archeologist who in the future people will call crazy because they still believe in love.

Save you?

Who is going to save me?!

Hell must be heaven because I’m burning alive yet the world is still at my feet.

Inhale the smoke of my sins as I try to breath it deeply all in.

Exhale everything that has ruined me.

Exhale everything that has destroyed me.

Deep breathes to all of us who are unsure about so many things.

If you have evil thoughts be careful what you wish for because sometimes the worse ones come true.

Reflections from the ceiling go to looks in the mirror and I’ve changed so much I have to ask…”who are you?”

There’s no magic here. But if you need these words I hope the universe guides them your way.

You miss the simple things when you mess up. Like the way she would say “guess what?”

I want you here all the time. there’s fantasies of you in unknown parts of my mind. Help me discover those aspects of myself.

What do you want?

You know what the answer that is.

I don’t know.

I never have.

I never will.

You answer the same dreadful way every time.

If time was currency I’d give you all of mine.

I’d go broke just so you wouldn’t be broken.

I no longer know who is whom in this scenario. But we’ve all been here before. On one side of the coin or the other. I’ll let your own experiences figure it out.

Let your heart decide the roles.

I never want you to fix me. Things in this life have made me broken. I like all the cracks. I enjoy all the rust. I never want to be whole again. Because when I was whole I was naive. I thought there was no evil in the world and bad things didn’t happen to good people. I know that is a foolish lie. That is simply a childish fantasy.

Bad things constantly happen to good people. It’s how you react to them. How they mold you and shape parts of your reality that determine if you will be a great person.

Even more than that. How you react determines if you can survive.

Sometimes my shadows overpower the light. Some days I hate my self so much in so many ways.

I hate everything about me so much I don’t know what to say when someone ask about my day.

I just want to drift away. I just want to be alone in all my grief. Sometimes misery loves isolation and doesn’t want company.

But everyone wants to save me, you especially.

Just let me rot in peace.

Just let me casually lose pieces of myself to eternity.

You talk about forever. When love to me is a day to day thing.

Yes you can love someone until the end of time. Yes that can be more than enough in this life. But what happens one day when you wake up and all of it has vanished.

When there’s no magic here.

Save you?

Who is going to save me?!

Life will teach me my lessons and the result will be either growth or decay.

Go where you need to be.

I don’t know if it’s by automobile, plane, train or your own thoughts but go where you need to be.

On gloomy rainy days; I just want to drift away

Be honest with yourself…

On the days I want to die why do you continue to try and save me?

Because without you I’m a different kind of ruined.

Because without you I’m a different kind of destroyed.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s