Binge Reading

She said…

I don’t even know how to explain what you do to me

She spoke how…

Just because you saw me when I was fragile I don’t want you to think that I’m weak

She talked about how…

I have a lust for death because I fell in love with my own mortality

She quickly went on…

It’s not that I want to die but as long as I’ve been alive I had to protect myself so maybe after it’s all done I can have some vulnerability

She paused because with topics like this she’s never made it this far but she knew that I would listen like no one ever has before

So she went on...

See I keep having conversations like this over and over again. Usually talking to myself working up the courage to tell the people I love most that I could use some help

Her emotions started flooding…

The lake wasn’t big enough to handle my screams. I wish an ocean was near me so I could yell into it all my hopes and my dreams. Instead I just ride around this city with my windows down telling these streets everything I fear. Adopting bad coping skills and tricking my mind into thinking that it’s self care

The look in her eyes was like sunken inspiration. Like viewing constellations on a hazy night. It’s just blurred lines. Her lips wanted to form words. Topics like this she’s never made it this far because I listened like no one ever has before. She didn’t know where to go from there…

So I’ll take it from here…

Look me in eyes when I tell you this. We all fucked up about something. Either running toward our pain or running from our problems. I don’t pretend to understand this logic. But that’s enough about rappers who will never pull the trigger. The doctor said I’m healthy but in my mind I’ve never been sicker. I learned how to move quicker. I stay low and to myself as I learn how to do better. Because too often we as men use the energy we get from women as rehabilitation centers. I don’t need rehab, I need fucking love. Damn it’s all crazy cause that really is the strongest drug. If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late don’t check in. I’m So Far Gone, it would cause too much turmoil to go back again. I’m already insane. Since I focused on the art of people and not thier shortcomings Nothing Was The Same. It’s pretty selfish to ask another human to not break your heart but with yours I’ll Take Care. My aim was the Summer but I hope we have a Comeback Season by the time that Winters here. How am I supposed to tell somebody what I am dealing with when most days I don’t even know what I’m dealing with. This generation got a prescription to pain pills when mental health is the injury. No one ever gets to the root of what’s really going on so it’s always to be continued. All my friends going through different episodes of depression and I just keep on watching like it’s a new series on Netflix. Plots twist I want to solve it all before the series finale. I know my family ask a lot of me. I know what I do for money takes a lot of me. I paid my dues a few times. So why does life keep taking a toll on me? I don’t carry burdens because I want the weight to impress people. I carry burdens because I know the weight makes me stronger.

I want to drive you to the ocean so you can scream. Yell to infinite beauty all your hopes and dreams. You should see the world you don’t belong to the streets. They call me the lion, unless I’m hungry why would I mingle with sheep? This is where everything happens. I have mental breakdowns and create art. I guess that’s worth not having a good nights sleep.

She said…

You made an impression in my life. You have saved me a few times. I don’t think you understand the affect you have on people. I don’t think you understand what you’re doing. You deserve the best my friend. Thank you so much…for everything

I replied…

I would do anything for you.

How could I not be your favorite?


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