Our traumas are both our oceans and our space. Vast and unknowing. There’s a certain fear that comes with that reality.
How do you heal from something vast and unknowing?
The last time we spoke I….
The last time I saw you we…
So many things are gone now.
I look around and so many things are gone now.
Fuck it, let’s get it then.
I lost my last grandfather at the end of March. He passed away and didn’t even remember me on his last days. I just lived with it. Didn’t tell a soul what was weighing on my soul. I could’ve used my friends as a blanket but truth of the matter is I prefer to sleep cold.
Then they took Nipsey, like his mission was normal. He was a living statue. Now everyday I wake up I wonder who from the Eastside still got a problem with me? Who is the next death of someone who I grew up with and their name will be in cement at my feet? When I go back to visit who is plotting on me?
My mom came to town I didn’t even hide the drugs.
She know who I am.
Didn’t even lock my safe.
She know where I’m from.
Right before Coachella my half sister died of cancer. Didn’t know her well enough that shit was weighing on my brain. All I did was get a grill and smile through the pain.
Is this my black boy magic?
Just making it through all these days.
A wizard when it comes to being okay.
My idea of carefree is peeling back the layers of the traumas that’s haunting me. These walls don’t even need to talk. I wear these ghost on my sleeves. My mind works best at night. While everybody is excited about Christmas. I’m focused on the Eve.
This one different.
While everybody is excited about Christmas. I’m focused on the Eve.
They say death come in threes that’s some shit I really believe. So I’m trying to live three lives in my time here so when Reaper knocks at my door it’s satisfied just coming for me.
I guess sometimes we get deep.
My sleep paralysis demon is just a reflection of me. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the most broken of them all? Blunt forced trauma. Before I let someone in I have to climb my own walls. It seems my mind is a prison. I’m trying to talk to the universe but I guess today god isn’t taking collect calls.
Thoughts scattered like homicide blood splatter.
There has to be something at the end of all this that matters after all.
I’m flattered you decided to stay and watch me pick up the pieces of me.
Maybe it’s because every time I wish upon a star. I do it for someone else.
You just happen to be here as I vent to myself. I prepared food for thought you can serve yourself. Take what you need but leave the rest for me. This is soul food, not a cry for help.
I’ve been humbled by the circumstances of life and beautiful women before. I learned to move on, but you don’t get your deposit back when bullet holes are in the front door. I guess the pen is mightier than the sword my lord. I guess I’ll have to write like this until my names in Forbes.
Still playing duck, duck goose with my childhood trauma. I guess we gotta heal while we play these wicked games. Look back on my family past like I know they did their best but when it’s my turn the kids can’t be raised the same.
Tell the young black king to live for you cause we dying at an alarming rate. Where I’m from we don’t get monuments. Just caskets that drop and flowers that die. Lawyer fees, bond paperwork and funeral cost. They’ve all come for me in some way. That’s why my sanity lost.
I still think about Piqueno everyday. I still think about D’angelo everyday. I still think of my Pop Pop everyday. There’s one person it’s too hard for me to even say their name. The rest of the ones I lost I just chalk it up to the game. I think I’m supposed to feel more, but sometimes it’s just not in me. I never touch a substance if I’m sad. So I can’t drink the pain away. There’s not enough drugs under these street lights to make me numb to what I seen on these blocks.
I had to teach myself empathy because I grew up in a place where that shit will get you killed. I grew up in a place where guns replaced social skills. You apologize and they still take your life for the thrill. All we was worried about is respect and where we was getting the next meal.
Born with loses. I grew into a winner. For the freedom of Summer you have to come with the heat in the Winter.
I use to take those trips to Detroit just to prove I could hold my own. Exchanging rock for the bands; I’m a rolling stone.
Is this my satisfaction?
Welcome to my jungle, here I am king.
I’m here for more than jewelry.
Crowns don’t give you power, they give you attention.
The shine gives you attention. Attention makes you a target. These are the things that they never mention.
The trauma of it all.
On my bad days all these fleeting feelings are just moths to flame. Landslide by Fleetwood Mac on repeat for the afternoons that it rain. My negative and positives are just the thoughts of dealing with the timeline of agony constantly circling through my brain.
Welcome to trauma.
I have to be here for everybody else.
I haven’t gone this deep in a minute.
This time the clocks keep ticking.
Just when you think the kid is drowning I fucking turn to scuba Steve. The waves of the notion in my brain is what does this all really mean?
My circumstances are not the same. What are you willing to do to make sure from barbershops to boardrooms they remember your name?
It took awhile but I’m moving on from survival mode and starting to notice that I’m great.
Realizing more is meant for me then the water being cold and the heat being off.
I never wanted to feast I just wanted to live contently
Now I’m building tables so everybody can eat.
I’m not a carpenter, I’m an architect.
You got to see the difference in me.
This complex without the politics.
See I can’t mention what gave me urgency. Taking cars with loaded trunks from state to state. One stop from the cops is all it takes then you locked up and the people on those corners forget your name.
Mug shots and graduation pictures
There’s a thin line between statistics and redemption.
What happened to that boy?
He thought it was destiny; turns out he just met his fate.
I love the game.
Had to master it before it made me a slave. That’s why I wear the rings sometimes but rarely will you catch me in chains.
We don’t think the same.
I just had to embrace the fact that my minds works different. Didn’t know if I was angel or demon just always knew how to rise up and go and get it.
Sometimes when I wake up I don’t know if it’s the D’evils work or it’s gods plan I’m trying my best to do all I can. I’m trying my best to live as a man.
I don’t sleep through these nights without a unregistered and a fan.
If I die here today just know I was as fucked up as you. I promise you this is true.
No exaggeration for the content of my poems. I thought I was going to lose my life in that hotel room or when the alphabet boys raided my home. Mom was speaking different on the phone like we talk in Morris code about our moral code.
I got my map from a bunch of people who were lost. How can you be mad at me if I couldn’t find my way? Moral compass was broken. I didn’t know what direction to take.
This is just what they did where I’m from and who am I to fuck tradition up.?
Life is all about the view. The blind can’t lead the blind so I’m working on my vision. This is a greater mission.
Aunt taught me to play dominoes. My sister played spades. Now I just sit back and count up all these blessings as everything falls in place.
I just hope there’s somebody that feels me.
I’m as fucked up as you. I promise this is true.
I just want you to know you’re not alone. It’s not a competition.
I’m fine to simply ask you about your day and move on. That’s what everyone else does, but I expect more from us. In those tender moments when I have you alone and you feel like you’re in a trusted space. I need to know what you are going through.
WHAT ARE YOU GROWING THROUGH?
Sometimes I need a break from it all. So can you come over and rub on my fresh cut then let me break you off? You got a winters heart but your skin is summer soft.
Be kind to the girls that never want to stay the night because they afraid to fall in love.
The ones who know opening up is a risk and that we keep our purest secrets from the ones that we kiss.
You trying to love them in this moment and they still thinking of all the pain that came before.
She don’t sleep through the night because of things she has yet to reveal. So sometimes she just needs you to hold her a little different.
They afraid to let you in because what if one day they have to let you go.
Welcome to trauma.
Stay as long as you like until the proper healing takes place.
No more brakes. Gotta go. I can bend but I can’t fold.
And I don’t know what’s more powerful lately. Telling you you’re my weakness or telling you you’re my strength. Telling you I regret how it ended or let’s start again because I’ve changed. Giving you the details of my past or looking at you saying you are part of my goals. All of this is very true. So I guess it just depends on the day
And I don’t know if it gives you peace of mind to know that I’m fucked up just like you. I promise it’s true.
I’ve fallen more times than I can count but I’ve made it through every night.
I hope the same for you and whatever you are going through.
WHATEVER YOU ARE GROWING THROUGH.
Whatever trauma may bring.
We are all going through something. How we get through it may vary
Crawling, walking or running. Keep going.
Please don’t ask me what I’m dealing with because I don’t want to break your heart.
Ive been in courtrooms, I’ve never been courtside. I can tell you all the times I thought I’ve never see my mother again. I think you would just rather have me smile. The thing about the pain. The things about the traumatic experiences. We all have them. It’s what’s killing us most, but we talk about it the least. The world would just rather have us smile. It’s okay you’re allowed to broken around me.
You’re allowed to take a moment to yourself and be utterly shattered.
I’ll be there if you need someone to tell you how beautiful it is to watch you pick all the pieces of you up and put them back together.
I can tell you vividly about the memories that I have of the gun in my face but what I recall most about that day that if you leave one lion alive the sheep are never safe.
A lions roar is nothing but trauma.