I don’t have an addictive personality I have an obsessive personality. If you’re like me after reading this; you will understand. If you are unlike me, that is okay. You will see an aspect of life through a different perspective.
There is nothing in this world I need in a hostile way. I can quit any vice I may indulge in cold turkey. I sometimes will quit one of my sins cold turkey just to prove to myself that I can. Just to make sure I have control of my life. To make sure I’m living for pleasure and growth not dependency.
When I’m going through something I’ll resort to writing. It’s my inner peace and outer reflection. It keeps me alive and gives me a certain nirvana nothing else does. It’s where I can fully exist. It’s where all the complicated elements that make me who I am can be freely expressed.
Freely expressed in such a way…
Freely expressed in such a way…
In such a way that I can tell you I’m crazy but I write the insanity so beautiful that you believe the voices in my head are art that belongs on walls.
That the disarray scattered all over could be something mesmerizing to your senses
My mind is becoming a gallery and I appreciate everyone who views it.
It wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t always a writer. My mind always worked in a creative way, but I had to train it to put words together. I had to realize I can move vocabulary in certain arrangements to make the metaphors that make me unique.
I had to stop fighting the parts of me that were hard or that I would keep hidden. I had to come to grips with people can relate to me. And if I am authentic in my approach even those who can’t relate to me can feel what I am going through.
That’s where the obsession comes in. That’s where the details take over my mind. I choose every word carefully. Every metaphor that only the ones who read a post multiple times get. The double entendres that make others message me asking how I thought of it. Certain letters are capitalized to spell separate words in sentences.
This is my passion.
I’m a sinner who knows how to scribe
I’m a hopeless romantic who writes love poems about people I’m with or that I miss.
I’m a flawed man on a beautiful path that only apologies when I genuinely mean it.
I’m not my mistakes. I’m not my success.
I’m a balance of them both.
I’ve seen death. I’ve seen life. I’ve seen miracles. I’ve seen all these things twice. I can tell you for certain that when you think it’s over your life flashes before your eyes.
I’ve witnessed first hand the evils people will do for money and that’s why I want to keep my soul intact.
They want to know my story like I haven’t become one with the unexpected and mastered plot twist.
The City told me it’s just a matter of time. I always listen to the streets. I just need to know you fuck with the vision. The benefits package go to the ones that are here from the start. Trust in me I’m going on a run. I’m looking around at everyone who was there when I had to crawl.
All I do is think about is my need to win. I figured out the how and that brought me closer to the when. My friends and my friends, friends keep on dying. I realize how quickly I can become just more dust in the wind.
I never forget but life keeps on reminding me how quickly you can lose your best friend.
The lost of potential can be devastatingly haunting.
In the process of self growth you inevitably become more self aware. You recognize your flaws. The ones you can live with and live without. You notice your habits the troublesome ones and the one you want to consistently keep.
You look through the prism of what needs to change about who you are on a surface level and at your core.
I have targets. I never aim for perfect. I never try to be normal. Those are things that if you are being honest with yourself you know don’t exist in us.
I just want to be decent and better.
I fall; I work on my balance.
I hurt someone; I apologize
I lose money; Next time I save more and double my profit
I take a chance; I weigh the rewards
I lose the girl of my dreams; I learn from her what I need to do to be better.
I take a loss; I learn a lesson.
I’m not addicted to anything but I obsess over a lot.
I think about who I want in my life
I think about who I lose in my life
I think about what I want out of life
I think about how to be a better human
I think about how to be a better son
I think about how to be a better brother
I think about how to be a better lover
I think about how to be a better friend
I think about how to be a better communicator
I think about my past and my future and what I need to do to be a better man.
Then I obsess over what it is going to take to make this all happen.
Most people won’t believe or understand your dreams until they are already materialized. They won’t clap for you until everyone does. When your success is common they will acknowledge you proudly. That’s why I want all my celebrations to be with the ones who want me to win now. My now will someday be back then and in the future I only want to be surrounded by those who believed in me back then.
Those who can always find a little bit of themselves in my words as they read.
To make this the view I want a reality I must travel.
The journey is complicated, unique, at times dark, full of scars, trauma, flaws, memories, regrets, amazing people, happiness, love, growth, loyalty, laughter, progress and a abundance of other things that make the human experience something that can’t be quantified.
I’m not saying I won’t get lost. I’m not saying I won’t mess up. I’m not saying I won’t need help and guidance from those I hold dear.
At times it will be beautifully chaotic.
I’m saying “I will find my way.”
I know where I’m going. I just need to know who is coming with me.
The destination is known.