Quarter life

“Everyone I know in their 20’s have doubts and are misguided. Constantly trying to figure it out but unsure of so many aspects in life. It’s a beautiful tragedy.”
-Me talking to myself out loud.

A slurpee a day keeps the crippling depression away. I’m at your local 7/11 if anyone wants to try and kill me. I’m paying with singles from a shitty job I hate. Keep reading on if you feel me.

But only if you feel me…

Sometimes it’s darkness all around me. Shadows of everything that use to be. Sometimes there’s too much light. Complete opposite of those Ohio nights. The visions never blurry when I write. The pen works in 20/20. And does being in my 20’s mean I’m supposed make mistakes and fuck it up with every girl I think that I’m suppose to marry? I feel like every move is 4th down and I can’t field my goals so I’m throwing Hail Marys. I think you’re amazing and I still want you around. Probably things I should’ve more often said. It’s scary thinking about all the people still living that I lost in my life. And not worried about enemies around my back because sometimes you living so fast that you stab yourself with the knife. Always trying to be more loyal to the good humans as I’m covered in these tattoos. I lost me trying to be what you need. So I guess it’s dumb to ask what else do you want from me? Communication is key. If I ever ask her how she feel, I bet she’ll send 100 emojis. I need her cause she so real. I’m overly focused. Not very cautious. Need all my dreams by 30, so I don’t sleep at night.

I’m proud I get to love you.

I hope you never leave me.

But if you ever leave me, just know I’m still gone love you.

You are elements of the universe. So there is nothing I can put above you.

Fighting demons my whole existence is a holy war. There may be no heaven for me but at least help me keep the devil from this earth. I’m just a bad guy with no wings that snuck in a college degree like Trojan Horse. I just want people in my life who work hard and have no remorse. We yelled our destinations into the ocean until we lost our voice. Now we mentally shipwrecked because we set sail without a course. Of course I got some regrets want me to name a few? I spent too much time on shooting stars with hopes that never came true. So I now I’m just wondering what do wishes do?

All those people that said they never leave.

Where did all of them go?

See I’ve been dealing with trauma since the days I thought wrestling was real and The Rock told me to know my role. People dying around me. Mom told me to worry about making honor roll. Friends dying around me violence was all I know. Every time I almost died, it took some of my soul. A few bullets here, my car flipped there. A few bullets again. Luckily the tall lefty knows how to duck quick. Some others things I won’t mention in my nightmares they keep my attention. Can I get forgiveness because I’m doing it my way and didn’t ask your permission.

I look at corners different.

Our streetlights are not the same.

I hear the words different.

Because so long for me I didn’t even know it but the world was different. But I found angels in the way I see these angles. I’ll still eat forbidden fruit if I’m starving but now the possibility of Heaven is a place that I could go. I hope you see that I have grown. I’m still learning from all these things I did not know. But without experience. How could I have known? Hard work is adding up. Guess now the math different. Tell my mom I love her. Tell my sister I don’t answer her calls enough, but the voicemails keep me going . Tell my girl I love her. I don’t have a girl but if you need it today. Just know I love you. I’m speaking in the past like a ghost that can’t move on. Let me haunt like memories to your favorite song.

Lately I been writing a bunch of love poems. I been hanging with a bunch of savages who ask at brunch “what you believe in love for?” We just a generation that never learned how to write love songs. I’m still a black man it’s more evident now more than ever. Will I give up my dreams? I’m just a boy who got lost flying to a land where you Never hear Never. All these Tinkerbells that thrive at music festivals. Let go of my fears and I lost some of my demons. Never in church but on Any Given Sunday morning I’m always drinking water like its holy and surrounded around a huddle of my thoughts like Willy Beemin. If you got that line then our gospel is one in the same. I’m just a nobody and I hope that never changes.

 I’m just a nobody and I hope that never changes.

I don’t need the world to know my face, just feel my energy as I’m dangling this entertainment. On Google translate with the foreign message one said my words helped him with his wedding vows another from a girl saying I saved her life. But everything is really frail around the anatomy is grey. So all I can do is write about how everyone knows I am in over my head just in case that is how you save a life. I hope you got all that, thank you for staying with me. I gave you honesty and all my friends know how to ask is if I’m okay. But they know the question is pointless. As if it has no aim.  I could have a gun a loaded to my head the Reaper saying I’m dead and I’ll still stay that I’m good.

Today I’m good…

I’m not a god. I’m just a boy from the hood you called a ghetto that made good on all his promises thus far.

Today I’m good…

So I guess the biggest question of my existence is. How far can we really go? We screamed for equality from the basement and from the top floor they always told us no. We just a bunch of dreamers and they treat us like we bad guys. This is just a glimpse into the thoughts that keep me up at night. I got doubts about my doubts and they got doubts about everything that I doubt. I’m sitting in the darkness and everything is a shadow of a doubt.

I’m sitting in the darkness and everything is a shadow of a doubt.

So what am confident in? I’ll let you figure it out.

Am I suppose to know what’s next?

How am I suppose to know who to hold onto and who to let go?

Every time a stranger let’s me down, I realize I’m so far from home.

I’m so far from home…

And I thought I found a home in you but I tore it down. No matter my decision someone is going to be unhappy. So I put walls up just so the fall is greater when I do let you down. I’m afraid of everything that I’m not sure of. And there’s not much I’m sure of lately. All these clocks on the wall and I can’t see the future. All of this came with no prophecy. Just an introvert with extrovert qualities. Mountain climbing to levels of high anxiety. Then skydiving off every peak just trying to be a better me. I woke up today wondering what does it all really mean? You made it this far so I know you are kind of like me.  Making mental notes of who I owe an apology.

I am so imperfect…

So before you try to touch my energy I need you to know this. But I want you on this journey. Just some dreamers that’s overly focused. This could go on forever. This is the scripture of eternity. Read the first quote above. This is a beautiful tragedy, because I’m in my 20’s

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