Drink More Water

Welcome to the Lost Boys Club; life is your entry fee. There is no Peter Pan here, no Never Never Land. There’s just lack of father figures, not knowing how to deal with emotions and anger constantly getting the upper hand.

This is not therapy.

This is not the calm before any proverbial storm.

This is thunder.

This is lighting.

This is the screams from everyone constantly telling you how to be a man. No rain because we don’t cry here. Still I look around and I see all these young boys constantly drowning.

Still I look around and I see all these young boys constantly drowning.

Who could ever love you? Still don’t ever admit you need love.

You’re not tall enough

You’re not smart enough

You’re not strong enough

You’re not black enough, like everytime I heard the word Nigger it added another shade to that darkened skin. All these whiplashes but it was never a car we were in.

I can’t relax under trees, they just want me to hang. I’m not talking about you, just enjoy the shade.

We don’t experience this all the same…

Half the time I’m having breakdowns about my fucking name. Is it Lucius or Dant’e? Young lion or King? They told me I was free but I’m not allowed to riot in the streets. They told me I was free, but I’ve never known a day of peace.

They told me I was free…

I’m looking at the people that surround me and it’s all mistaken identity. My mothers loves was abusers. My best friends ruined lives with what they served under street lights. I been heavily influenced and associated with individuals that have killed. Now I’m getting calls like when you make it, don’t forget about me.

Remember you?

Like you don’t see my struggle.

Like you don’t see my view

Don’t you see my struggle?

I’m still trying to remember who I am.

Or who I was…

What will I be…

Realist question ever.

Are you still with me?

Am I that light?

That guy that has it together and goes to Coachella? The man who recently got his passport? That man from Burning Man. What if it was the way it was would I  still be that guy you love?

Or am I…

That kid who had to steal water from the neighbors hose in the middle of the night?

Am I…

That kid who sat with candles as his mom cried because she couldn’t pay the bills and they had to split meals, how ironic I want to be light.

Am I…

that kid that is prone to violence, and can show you the alley way where I saw my first dead body.

You wanna see a dead body?

It’s all very spooky.

This isn’t conversation for the good ones to have at the office Christmas party.

All I know is I’m my mothers son and my fathers mistake.

Life is all about balance.

What lies behind all these smiles?

Do we even really exist?

Who guides me?

This is no role models in sight so you grew at a crooked angle never really feeling like you belong. This is the result of broken homes built in the shadows from old thrown glass stones.

 Sending collect calls to Jesus because when we were young god gave us the dial tone.

Father can you hear me? Pick up the fucking phone.

 Sending collect calls to Jesus because when we were young god gave us the dial tone.

Father can you hear me? Pick up the fucking phone.

I’m still alive as if I was soaked in Holy water. We all mentally ill. Even the ones who are supposed to tell us how to deal. I’ve come to the conclusion that none of this is real.

Except the connection you and I feel.

That can’t be threatened.

If I can doubt it, it is fake to me. We teach our men lonely recipes. Then throw them in a kitchen of heat. Give me back Hell so I can tell the devil I wasted all my loose change at the wishing well. Deadly dreams. Sick thoughts. I wish you well.

All these land mines I can’t tip toe anymore. We all fighting battles, but some are prisoners of war. I’m just doing my best to make sure you’re not a causality. I turned my flaws in pawns, this is all chess to me.

Peter Pan never learned to fly. He was just a boy never taught to be a man and committed suicide.

Welcome to the Lost Girls Club
; the entry fee is the worlds expectations. Mama always taught you to be pretty and instilled in you the need to satisfy.

What a grand life.

What a misguided lie.

You never even had a chance to become yourself. Always too busy trying to please everybody else. Always worried if you made everyone around you happy. This isn’t me saying I can relate. This is just my sincere apology. Wish I could speak for everybody. I know I caused you to cry tears. I know I should’ve supported your dreams but instead I justified your fears.

The world should view you as life.

Man wrote in scripture you were wicked. I wouldn’t follow any God who didn’t say your body, mind and soul was the fountain of youth. Heaven is Sunday’s resting next to you. A woman’s touch is my holy spirit. You’re so strong you don’t show your pain then we call you crazy if you do. So strong, yet so intimate that’s the most human thing about you. In your eyes I see the future, if we ever decide to stop being blind.

Can you stand next to me?

I have doubts about almost everything. You’re my reassurance, I probably don’t say that enough.

I’m not perfect, I never will be

You’re not perfect, you should never have to be.

I know my mother loves me and my sister cares for me. I know there’s a few beautiful women in this world that could be my everything if we just let it be. Either physically or mentally were just too far apart. But we can figure it out. I need to hear that, tell me “We can figure it out”

Or don’t tell me anything I guess that is the point of this. Whisper or a scream just know I’m listening.

I don’t know your story. But I’m my grandmothers first born grandson, I’m my sisters brother and I’m my mothers only son.

So what I do know…

Is there were times when they were left for dead.

There were moments when they were told they weren’t good enough.

There were times when they were told they would never be loved.

There were moment where expectations made them not want to be here.

I know the world told them they had to be a certain way, had to look a certain way, there was a limit on what they could say.

I could go on etc. etc. for eternity.

How far do expectations reach?

I realize they only wanted to be the best for me. Even when they thought they let me down they are always exactly what I need.

I turned my flaws into pawns. I work with insecurities in order to protect my queens.

What did you set your mind to do?

It’s alright to get lost, just promise me that you’ll find yourself.

 Welcome to life; death is the only guarantee.

My answer to everything: Drink More Water.

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