Young Lion in the Concrete Jungle: I went adulting in New York.
This is a love story, because I am a hopeless romantic.
I went adulting in New York. As you know I don’t do anything in life if I don’t get it for the low, have a plug, or free. Reno has a deal with Jet Blue at the Reno/Tahoe airport. Round trip, direct flight to New York for less than $200.
So yes if you are in Reno or anywhere in the area go to New York. But I can’t”…Yes go to New York. “There’s no way I could ever”…Yes go to New York. Cut back on the unimportant things and have an experience. Spend two weekends not buying drinks for young ladies who you don’t have meaningful conversation with, most likely won’t take home and doesn’t care about your well-being. Go to New York. Don’t buy that brand new outfit to impress a bunch of people who are going to talk behind your back or that guy who doesn’t even notice the new way you did your make up or that your bra and panties matched. Go to New York.
I had been to New York once before back in 8th grade as a middle schooler back in Columbus, Ohio. We took a bus, I listened to Ushers confessions and Jay-Z The Black Album the whole way. I remember actually buying these albums proud I didn’t get them for bootleg at the barbershop. Or the DvD man I passed everyday hustling on the opposite block of the drug dealers. I was with my best friends at the time. Our clothes were big and baggy and I remember everything in the city being colossal.
I brought a fake Rolex that had a spinning face and my mom a leather purse. She would later use for anything but a purse. We saw the Lion King on Broadway. Which is my favorite movie and the show was amazing. It opened up my world at the time.
The city that had no love in heart of it, had my heart.
Time went on, because that’s what time does.
When it was time to apply for college. Something I never thought would happen in my youth. I applied to NYU I got accepted on a writer’s scholarship, which was an achievement in its self. But my family couldn’t afford to send me to live in New York. I also applied to Nevada in Reno a place I had never been before. That’s a different story that hasn’t reached its end yet.
I just didn’t want to be local.
I was at a point in life where I needed to breathe.
I had to touch roads less traveled.
So in a sort of anticlimactic way New York broke my heart. The city said she needed space.
Now I am 25 on the other side of the country and going back to New York. And it’s kinda like moving away from home talking to your old girlfriend. You’re both single, you agree to go visit her, you both know why and you just hope she is as majestic as you remember her. You don’t want to show up to her doorstep and find out the girl you loved and thought about all these years is now a woman you loathe.
Expectation is a reality we create in our head.
I got on my flight at 11:57 pm and landed at 7:56 am. A quick 5 hours of travel. Adjust for travel times, due to time change. You could get an Air BnB, hotel, whatever. I was staying with a Lambda Chi brother, Fran better known as Kevin from Jersey. We’ve known each other over 7 years and both went through at Nevada. The thing about Fran is yes he is ugly; I know it sucks. But he is one of my best friends. He lives with his lady friend Lizzy who is way out of his league but I think she is with him because he is literally one of the best people you will ever meet. Fran has been like an older brother to me during some dark times. I never have to doubt if he has my best interest at heart, even if we disagree on something. The best part about Fran is you never have to fake it with him. Which is dope, because I suck at faking it.
So here I am now in the city.
She is as beautiful as ever.
I’m here for the city
I’m trying to visit Burroughs and intimately touch the culture.
Instantly I want to start creating things.
I want to just ride this subway until I have written down every thought I have ever had and formatted it to be a sculpture that heaven would accept and demons would appreciate. Instead I had some time before my meeting so I stopped by Chinatown. As soon as you walk into Chinatown it is full on Chinatown. Like you can be on the street right outside of it and be like whatever. As soon as you step into it, it’s like you found platform 9 and ¾ and you’re in another world. It was overwhelming right off the plane so I left after 20 min.
I went to my meeting with Abigail. It went according to plan and I already covered that so I will move along.
I went to Fran and Lizzy’s place dropped off my belongings, washed the plane off of me. Then I wandered around Grand Central Station and until I had to go over a few blocks and meet Fran at his job. Later that night we went to a bar where I tried a pickle shot for the first time. You take a shot and chase with pickle juice apparently it originated in Brooklyn.
I won’t lie to you it was not bad at all. We took multiple that night. I also ran into Chelik. He was a really good friend in high school I hadn’t seen in probably five years. We caught up about how we use to raid his fridge, what life is now and took a pickle shot. It was good seeing him and pretty remarkable considering the odds.
The next morning tony and Sergio arrived. This was completely random I saw Sergio at our friend Dans BBQ two weeks before, told Sergio how cheap the tickets were and convinced him to come when I was visiting Fran aka Kevin from Jersey. In which he convinced Tony to come because they cannot go on field trips without holding each other’s hands. Tony who I call Tonycat because to me he looks like an overgrown meerkat.
He is a good dude. He is a thousand percent that dude who you won’t see for months, will see him by chance, he will tell you how you need to hang out and he is going to hit you up but never will. Tonycat is a flake but doesn’t change the fact he is a good genuine dude. And he is completely honest with you and himself about life, but never in a malicious way. Which is refreshing.
Big Serg was there too. Sergio is an annoying ball of energy, but you realize you need that in your life. I admire Serg because he is the type of friend you may not see for years but he is always on your top four list when you think of people who would do anything for you or help you out in a bind. Not a quality everyone has. I am fortunate to have people like this in my life
We took on New York like it was Narnia. We went to Katz famous deli. We saw Wall Street. We saw the new World Trade Center. We had expensive steak dinners. We had tequila shots and so many micheladas. We hit up Happy hours. We went to food trucks. We met Australians. We got drunken phone calls and snapchats from Reno. Somebody that wasn’t Fran, Tony or I threw up all over an air mattress. I had a slice of New York City pizza. We watched the Mets play a World Series game while in a New York bar. We dressed up for Halloween. We had more tequila shots. We had brunch. We listened to music. We took photos. We went to Time Square. We saw the Statue of Liberty. We saw some of the most talented people preforming on the street. We asked Fran every dumb possible question we could and by “we” I mean Tonycat and Big Serg.
There wasn’t a lot of eye contact in New York almost as if these people were scared to become a part of your essence. I don’t know if because there’s so many stories in the city it’s impossible for someone even for a split second genuinely apart of them all or because there is so many stories and moving parts the animals of this concrete jungle become numb to it now more than ever.
I’ve been many places and nothing sounds or feels like New York. It is as if god was a master chef and added a little dash of everything. A true melting pot in which the recipe could never be duplicated
The best part of New York for me was Central Park. I love New York in the fall. It is a magical place. Every element comes together to create numerous works of art. The man in the yellow taxi yelling with such force that the changing colors fall from the tree. The person on the ground begging for food gives a rustic feel to these buildings that act as mountains to this empire built by the hands of humans.
This city is a beautiful symphony of dark sound and every move I made through it just harmonized me with it. My body was an instrument, a tool. Once you start reading the signs and walking through Burroughs you belong to the city.
All these views and all these angles intertwined like when truth meets lie and just decided to co-exist in disorderly balance. Thank you again sincerely to Fran aka Kevin from Jersey and Lizzy for showing us a side of the city we would not have discovered on our own and opening your home.
New York will always have a piece of my heart. The city will be known as my high school sweetheart. I’ll tell you again, make the trip. It is worth it. Maybe I will spark and rekindle the flame again at a later date. Romance the culture and become intimate with the Burroughs. Life is all about the view and I have to keep touching roads less traveled. One thing that I did realize as a certainty. The location no longer matters, I just love this life.
The Come Up.
First things first congrats to Dylan, Brooke and Bennett for every and anything good that comes your way. If anyone else has good news to share please send it my way. Timmy (TJM) thank you for always reading.
I’m not sure what is coming my way but I see it in the sky that something is on the horizon. I just hope it is a new view and not a storm. I just hope to forever be surrounded by loved ones as I prosper, because life is too short to do any of this alone.
Last week I had a meeting in New York. I will tell you about the rest of that wild trip next post. I have been in contact with this wonderful lady named Abigail and last week at an old building in a city that made me feel alive the company she works for offered to buy my blog. Abigail reached out to me after one of her company’s employees in Spain found my blog (I know kinda cool the blog is international). So I flew to New York we had a meeting in the area of NYU and her company made me an offer. Essentially they offered to buy me.
I graciously declined.
I didn’t tell many people about it beforehand, because life doesn’t go as planned and I believe in jinxing things.The offer was for an amount of money I won’t disclose here and I would have to write for them for 2 years. As much as I appreciate being acknowledged or even the fact that I have created something worth obtaining a meeting and an offer is humbling to me. Still with all due respect I had to decline. I understand what I have here with YoungLionBlog is nothing major in the market, but obviously these people saw something in what is happening between me and my readers. I understand why the offer wasn’t not as substantial as I would want. To me 1000 unique readers is a huge accomplishment and Abigail was impressed I accumulated that all on my own. I have done nothing but wrote and put it in the world. That’s why I thank you all so much. It wasn’t my meeting in New York, it was our meeting. This little blog is so small and organic everyone who reads it only does so because they have my best interest at heart.
To decline anything of substance was hard but essentially they wanted to give me what I would consider six months’ pay for 2years of my life. For two years I wouldn’t be able to write for anyone else. For two years I don’t know if I would still be writing for myself. All I could think is I don’t know what will happen come May when I graduate, where I’ll go next, where I’ll be working or if this blog can be something sensational. Something more than a beautiful secret between me and my friends.
Think exactly a year from now. If everything goes as planned where realistically would you want to be? Now work backwards from that year and think of ways to make that happen. It’s like you know what you want the meal to be already and you have to work backwards to see what ingredients you have to put together to make it happen. And exactly one year from now, I didn’t want to regret taking a small amount of money and not being able to control the substance of my own existence. Don’t get me wrong if they had offered a ridiculous amount of money or perks I would have taken it. But with the circumstances they offered I had to continue to find my way. This is no disrespect. This is what got me noticed in the first place; this is honesty.
I need more readers; I need more eyes on what I am putting in the world. And I am going to focus on that. I’m going to attack that “year from now” vision. Still I am enjoying this feeling, this moment that one day soon I could possibly be on the shoulders of a giant. So no matter what happens to me, no matter what happens to you. Let’s please remember this moment, because life comes at all of us fast.
I don’t know what’s over the horizon. It could be a beautiful new view or a thunderstorm. All I know is I’ll have a few people smiling in the sunshine or singing in the rain with me. We are all going to be alright, just give me a little trust on that one. So before life gets too gigantic remember these smalls moments. Remember the happy hours. Remember who you share your time with. Remember who takes the time to listen (in my case read) your words. For any of us I can’t predict what’s next, I just know its greatness. I’m just a kid the universe tends to look out for.
A Stroll To Remember. 10.26.15
Today I walked through the park.
That wasn’t normal for me.
And I met a man, well rather he met me. He approached me and asked where I was from.
And that’s where our short journey began
He started telling me of his history. I didn’t have his experience in anything, so I just spoke on how my future is a mystery.
I was just walking less traveled roads and hoping the occasional sign would guide me.
The old head said he had 6 grandkids all of them spoiled by his wife. I said how long have you been married. I saw him calculating the math. Adding and subtracting both the good with the bad. When it was equaled out he said 44 years. And as I tend to do when I someone has been with the same person for more years than I’ve been breathing. I asked him how? As best as I can I will try to retell what he said.
“Most important is honesty. It is the hard road, but it can travel through anything. You’re going to mess up just make sure she knows that you never waiver in your love. Those first few years it seemed we fight everyday. I thought she would leave. She wondered if I stay. There was times when she asked me for her space. But she always stayed in my orbit as we stargazed. I was stubborn, but she always knew when to pick her fights. She may be completely day and you completely night. Just know when you’re arguing, you both think you’re right. To be truthful now I don’t even remember the fights. It didn’t matter who was wrong. As long as your love was right. The world is just a bunch of distractions with eyes but we never let them come between us. Look in her eyes and know it will be alright. That will be enough.
That will always be enough.
There were times when we didn’t talk for weeks and that would seem like months. It’s when not talking for days only seem like days, that you should give up. My darkest times came when it seemed we had reached our end cause times was tough. She would hold onto my flaws and not hear me when I said she was beautiful. I would hold back and not always hear what she needed. But that was many years ago. When our last names were not the same. Overtime we knew this was special and with time all that would keep us apart would change.
We’ve danced in the storms. We’ve kissed in the rain. Both thunder and lighting we learned to tame.
Her confidence isn’t always as high as it needs to be so I became stairs. I’m not always as calm as I should be so she became meditation.
We were young and selfish together. We are old and wise together.
The common denominator to all that, is we did all this together.
We learned “I love you” is more than what she expected of me and what I imagined of her. I don’t know about forever or soulmates. I can tell you this; with her I’ve truly lived a full life and every night I go to sleep next to my peace of mind.”
The man whose face wore many years stopped there. I realized I wanted love that made me talk like this on a park bench to a stranger.
The grandfather of 6 said he had to go. With that sentiment I agreed. He said ” it’s different for everybody but you’ll be alright”
I walked home from the park, I wanted you by my side.
)'( 2015. 10.13.15
What if I told you to go out to the desert and be as much as yourself as you could possibly be? What if I said in one of the harshest environments on the planet your mind can be most at peace?
I went to Burning Man. This is the view of a virgin and all the wonderment that came with it
Being at Burning Man was difficult at times. It has been difficult for me to write this post because it is hard to encompass such an experience in any form, especially writing. But if you are interested continue to read and I will try my best. As soon as you hear or know of Burning Man and the concept of the movement/event no matter what you already have a preconceived notion as to what it is and what occurs.
I am here to tell you, you are right.
Good or bad it is everything you think it is.
It’s freedom, it is sexual, it is religious, it is sacrilegious, it is holy, it is evil, it is harsh, it is amazing and a bevy of other descriptive words that you can instantly insert to try and narrow this in any way you desire. But most of all remember, it is beautiful.
The biggest lie ever told at Burning Man is the good intentioned “I’ll be right back”. Just imagine a city of art. Sculptures that reach for the heavens and the most beautiful of them will be sacrificed to the flame.
I was with some of my best friends and I met some of the best people from all over the world. We shared stories, we shared hugs, everyone I came in contact with became family in a way as if this was one big reunion. I came in as prepared as I thought I could possibly be. Which means I wasn’t prepared at all really.
I get to the gates and as a virgin they make you roll around in the dirt and hit a huge gong. As a way to get your mind right. I also yelled the scream from Lion King
I had help from my friends to put together costumes and accessories. Thank you all.
I had a tent.
Which got filled with so much dust I spent the majority of the time sleeping on a bean bag outside. When I did sleep.
I had food and booze.
Which you really only snack and you’re never at camp besides a few hours in the morning. Or when you need a break from riding your bike.
Everywhere you go there are just people whose mission is to give you food and drink. And as you experience this all you want to do is the same. It is just universal hospitality among strangers.I had everything else on the checklist you can find on the Internet and it was all so helpful.
Here is where this piece is going to get hectic, scattered brained and all out weird.
First and foremost I do not care how “out there” you think you are as the week goes on all you can think every morning when you wake up is ” I’m not weird enough, I need to get weirder ”
You see and experience so many new things every day that you become numb to your own judgments.
Every morning at camp about 100 ft from ours was this camp of gay (or at least I presume were gay. I know nothing anymore) men who would dress in lingerie then served hot French toast and ice cold Gatorade. Which is the greatest combination ever. There was a spa women could go strictly to get pleasured, no men allowed. It was appropriately named The Pussy Day Spa.There was a man who wore a strap on with a toothbrush attached to the end and would brush your teeth for you. Luckily I purchased numerous toothbrushes beforehand and didn’t have to resort to this form of dental hygiene. There was a camp that hundreds of other burners went to and you would just sing Disney songs together. There was pirate ships and at night these pirate ships along with numerous other art cars would be covered in lights, spit out fire, and have sound systems that would rival any festival you’ve ever been to. I saw a real life Boeing 747 that had a DJ booth where the cock pit was and instead of blades replaced the propellers with speakers that had so much bass my entire skeletal system shook. There was sunrise music sets, there was sunset music sets. I would be standing right next to celebrities and not want to say one word because I’d also be standing next to a European man who has been traveling the last 3 years of his life relying only on the kindness of others.
There was one point where I stayed up 36 hours straight and I got to experience how nature revolved around this temporary community. How the led lights of the night still dulled in comparison to the full moon that proved to be king and I went to deep Playa a place outside the city limits and saw stars like I had never witnessed them before. So bright and pure and truly amazing I understood why our ancestors thought them to be gods above us. I saw the sun come up over the mountain horizons and take ownership over all that it reached by providing warmth. So beautiful it gave me something to believe in.
As I watched this sunrise I was talking to a French man (at least I think he was from France) he didn’t speak a word of English and I did not know his native tongue at all but we just communicated for 45 minutes as if we were both building the Tower of Babel. At the end of it he simply said the word “gift” and took my picture on an instant Polaroid gave it to me and rode away on his bike.
There was a man who started the week in white linens and would walk around carrying a huge cross the entire time. Not saying a word he would be in visible pain and bleeding but it was what he came out there to do. It was the purpose of his Burn.
I saw some of the most extravagant costumes. I saw the most mass nudity I had ever witnessed also.
I watched Daft Punk preform randomly with only 200 other people around as the moon reached its peak and our friend who was a volunteer said they had breakfast with the workers the next morning.
There was an actual Thunderdome.
I am still undefeated at thumb war even though it was a close call on a best 2 out of 3!
There was Temple which was a beautiful structure individuals would go and tell their stories both immensely happy and devastatingly sad. We went as a group and wrote messages and hung picture for our friend James “Kansas” Chapman (click name for his GoFundMe information) who was suppose to be there with us in the physical not just in spirit. The temple is made of copper so it burned green once they set it ablaze.
I sat in unison with 70,000 other humans watching the actual man burn. Thinking how we are all experiencing this differently. Sitting with the people I came with thinking how I love them and glad we came together for this. As the fireworks and flames grew more massive knowing this all can’t last forever but it will be cherished all ways.
I could write and entire novel on all that I saw and a series on the things I don’t remember.
And I still didn’t see everything…
Yes Burning Man is everything you could imagine. But with this imagination that you have about what takes place there, just know good or bad you have to seek these things out. The best part about this life festival is you make it what you want it to be, you shape this existence for a week. The weird crazy things you hear or assume are most likely all true if you choose to find them. You seek out what you want and it will find its way to you. I had so many sincere simple human moments the week I spent there. There were so many people I wanted there with me to experience this also I’m not going to name them all (but my family, Livia, Kansas, My Coachella crew, Mrs. D, Fran, Timmy, etc to infinity) it’s just something that if I knew every word in every language ever spoken. I still couldn’t properly put in context how truly different in the best most refreshing way possible it was. As a species humans in general tend to only truly become one in times of tragedy. I say in general because I’ve seen how music at Coachella can make thousands and most importantly the people you are with feel connected. Burning Man was souls moving as one to create art and not just art you see or touch but art you breathe, eat, drink, feel, hear, experience in every way fathomable.
I will state for the record I have worn a headband almost everyday since I’ve been back. I think I have one for everyday of the week in my collection now. But I pride myself on being a logical and very level headed person. I never get too high and I never get too low. Because life always balances out. So I realize what happens in Black Rock City could never be how the world fully operates. With the way the fabric of our society is stitched, Burning Man could never be the clothing we wear as a people everyday. It is not in our nature anymore to be as pure as we are in the desert. I understand this. We are far too bound to labeling and categorizing everything. It is how we identify and rationalize that us vs them mentality that we all have in group think. Even while at Burning Man people still felt compelled to introduce me to every other black person that was there as if we have to know each other exist out here just in case we need each other. Overall I experienced this with people I love. I met people, I did things. I aspire to continue to experience life with people I love. I hope I continue to meet more people and do more things.
I know there are systems in place in our world that are constant and must remain, both good and evil. But if we could all bring back a little bit of the essence of what Burning Man is suppose to be. If we placed a little bit of art in our personal lives and the world around us. Something truly inspiring could happen. You don’t have to go out to the desert, dress exotic, be weird, possibly do mind altering substances and experience something life changing to make your world and the world of those around you a little bit better. We all look to the same sky for what we believe. Everything about this life is really a cosmic rental in the end. But like I said I am logical. I know as small as this might seem to me, it could be asking for too much of you. I don’t think those who go to Burning Man miss all the dust and art and music and everything else out there so much as they simply miss what it represents. The rest of the year they miss a week of us having the potential to be exactly what we are meant to be, human. So what if I told you in your everyday life to be more you?
F. Scott F.
I don’t know if I’m more the grandness of Gatsby or the decency of Nick Carraway.
Do I aspire to be the hero as tormented as that role may be or do I come to terms with the fact that the villain is pivotal in all of this and this is a mask I am tailored for as if my lambs were never silenced? If I lost you it’s okay all you need to know is I don’t get the girl in the end and either way at some point I die. So I guess that leaves me making arrangements for a funeral. I guess that leaves you wondering what happens next. Are you thinking about it, that magical what happens next? You can fit so much into such a simple sentence. So much complexity in a rudimentary three word phrase. Just say it out loud “What happens next?” Instantly your mind became that of a Sci-fi astronaut. You went from here to forever. To infinity and beyond is now the spectrum of your thoughts. We like to think about the future so much because often we are scared of how confusing moments here in the present can be. We have a false sense of hope that we can control the future. An illusion that everything that will become of us solely depends on how we function. How we are capable of so much but really hold minimal influence on a cosmic scale? Maybe that’s why we tell the dead to rest in peace. They aren’t burden with constantly trying to pretend they have it all under control. We lie in order to make ourselves believe we have it all figured out. I’m often spiraling out of control but I never show it in the physical.
Never is my chaos outwardly.
So that brings us back to this moment you and I are sharing. Do I aspire like Gatsby or be as meek as Nick Carraway? I don’t want to paint either in a negative light that’s not what my shading is about. But you can be Kanye or you can be as content as the person who moves with no motive. The man in the little house next door that is invited to all the parties but no one knows. In this story neither will be remembered.If your mind escapes you in either scenario you’ll still end up as Kurt Cobain. Which brings us back to resting in peace. I don’t know if we’ve come full circle or if I’ve just bent things more out of shape for you. Jay Gatsby or Nick Carraway it’s all a humble illusion of grandeur. They dwell on the edge of forever in part to F. Scott Fitzgerald. So indeed is it the writer I want to be? Would you rather live forever or be the person that authors the forever? Tonight I hope you rest in peace.
Inspired by conversation at Chili’s 9.10.15
We have let go of thank you’s they have been taken over by the same disease that made lovers in the notebook forget they were both birds. We have embraced goodbyes and mastered it like an art form that has sculpted both our mental and physical decrees.
Due to a perception of reality beyond mostly our control. We all have this skewed view of what love and what being happily in love means. There’s memes, gifs and photos with filters that instill in us this idea that if you’re not constantly happy then clearly it is not meant to be. As if romance is one big Brita filter and we have to leave all the hard dark and twisty things behind. In my most semi humble opinion communication is the most important part of any relationship. Communication is the most vital part to any interaction it is math, science and language.
We are so hungry for this new idea of love that we become absent minded and fail to realize there is no feast without substance. The good and the bad is all apart of a balanced diet. You must both have an appetite for destruction and crave peace. Just because your spirit is free does not mean your emotions have to move like a gypsy.
And this is not about the sanctity of marriage, gender roles or anything else that was created and is now embedded in our society. I want to strive for something with somebody. To me the term hopeless romantic is shifting into hoping against hope to find someone that can see beyond the allure of everything around us that is falsified. I want our love to be as pure as the laughter of our future kids. I want to give my all to someone that knows when I look at them I see more than movie scripts, articles with top ten list that change every week of what an ideal partner should be, someone just like me or completely opposite, neither matters. To work together. To build an empire in this reality we have to live in but always remember none of this materialistic shit is real.
Someone that gets to know me well enough that me genuinely asking “how was your day?” is just ones of the many ways I will say I love you.
Someone who when I hold the door for them and grab their waste knows it means ” I really don’t want to be without you”.
When I say I’m not perfect it’s not something I throw out into the world so strangers can feel closer.
I recite these words like an exodus to my own scripture so those who really exist in my universe know I lack wings and sometimes miss the beauty around me but their energy lets my spirit fly. This is simple as leaves growing from the blood of kings. Gifted with a pen to compose negro spirituals but never learned to scream. I want to love for eternity.
To know I would find you in any lifetime will be my greatest peace of mind.
No matter the times good or bad only thing we are sure of is by the end of it we will be closer. We move different from them not to simply go against the tide but because we are on a different wavelength. Our shores create oceans not borders that will confide us. You never leave my side. Still on every journey you are the light house that can reach across the universe and let me know it’ll be alright. If it seems I’m asking a lot just know all of this is vice versa. This is beyond the definition of mutual. A beautiful view is my only purpose. Expect nothing less of me. I’ve never been one to settle or share rooms with those I feel the need to lie to. So ask me again how I feel and I’ll write novels that will rival ancient libraries that were destroyed by foreign conquers. If what I want doesn’t exist, I’ve learned I can create anything. I’m not perfect but “How was your day?”. I just need to remember the Thank you’s.
Streaming Thoughts. 8.17.15
I’m weird, so is everyone else. That’s why we create labels. I really like Saltine Crackers. Mac and cheese is one of my favorite foods. I’m not a fan of dessert, but love French Toast. Lion King is my favorite movie. I really like crushed ice (We could never afford a fridge with an ice machine growing up), romantic comedies and a bunch of other things that well let’s be honest, you feel we aren’t close enough to share with each other.
Lets not lie to each other. Which should be easy for you right now. You just have to read. I’m going to be honest with you as best that I can be.
It can be offsetting how much my demeanor changes once I start writing. Words just start flowing.
I’m rare. I’m aware my mind works like algorithm of pharaohs that were carved in allegories of caves.
I write different. I like the simple words, sometimes my thoughts just take me to another place.
It’s hard thinking about elevation when the world doesn’t want you to go beyond glass ceilings that are designed to look like graves.
My biggest fear in this life is failure or better yet not being successful because that just means I’m right back where I started and I feel I’ve come too far. To be another member of the departed. This journey needs to be a straight line, not a circle. I still remember vividly what these streets did to me.
I’ve had numerous people tell me I should be famous and that’s never something I’ve wanted. I want the riches and to multiply that into wealth but it seems to obtain one in the modern day you have to have the other. So do I seek something else?
I just don’t want to look back at my life or the ones I love most and see it as one big tragedy.
I’ve never been the smartest, most powerful or even the most talented person in any room I’ve been in. But I’ve always had this natural captivation about me where people wanted to talk to me. Where someone that is relatively a stranger yearns for me to listen. The feelings strange because more often than not I rather be lowkey in the corner dissecting how the room moves. So often I compromise and do both. It’s beneficial because I don’t have to talk about my own history in doing so. I save those scrolls for those initiated fully into my inner circle.
These may all be very unimportant things.
The little and unimportant things is what I cherish most. Lets you know how someone operates. It’s the things we forget that keep the world spinning.
I want people to read again. Not in a way like music where you listen to a beat, and repeat lyrics. I want the words to make you think. Every time you come across my words I’d like it to be like we are having a conversation. No matter the topic you can relate. You can feel it.
In order to accomplish these high rise thoughts and these lofty goals that go beyond elevator floors. I gotta open up. And that’s hard for me. It could be impossible. That’s usually something I do one person at a time. Eternal Sunshine of the darkened mind. Letting the world in is such a torture to me. And breaking my sanity is idea genocide. See it’s easy to control everything when you choose what goes out. If there is no middle man there is less room for miscommunication. Kingpins don’t often flood the market. And I don’t expect you to understand sometimes the voices in my head are so big with so many ideas and good intentions on how to make so many other humans great, I can’t even comprehend. I am also sure this happens to other’s more often then they tend to admit.
We live in a world that suffocates. We don’t tell people they,re great, and we shame them if they dare tell us they are great. The things we can’t control is what we judge most about one another. We don’t say I love you enough because it is more popular to hate. We raise our men to hate women and we raise our women to hate themselves. We fear telling others our dreams because they won’t praise us if we try but they will laugh if we fail. And maybe it’s illusions of Gatsby like grandeur to think I can change the atmosphere around here. Because the only outcome he reached was death.
All I can be is pure as possible with a good amount of vices and drink a lot of water. My only goal in life is to have a great view and be a decent human. This piece of writing like me as a person. Will never be complete.
Angel Wearing a New Prada Dress 8.17.15
So there’s this angel, this beautiful angel.
That knows how far heaven is but she won’t walk thru the doors. She won’t take that first step. She wont soar.
This angel, this beautiful angel.
With no ill intent her God left her early on. Her faith is all but gone. She may float on hope, but nothing more.
So now this angel,this beautiful angel.
Just sits outside of heavens gate because she scared to walk in. There is no devil in her at all but she only knows how to see dark in every situation not realizing everything about her is pure light. Worried about getting burned by the flames of temptation not realizing she is the sun. In a world full of duplicates and two’s she is the only one.
This angel, this beautiful angel. I want to see her fly.
I want her forever above me on the pedestal that is stars I wish upon in the night sky. But this angel, this beautiful angel is scared of eternity because every time she believes in this world it gets destroyed before her very eyes. Tears of joy is just an urban myth told by those who want to control all those beautiful things with wings in the sky.
So this angel, this beautiful fucking angel.
Views it all in a negative light but the picture is not what it seems and she only covers her eyes if the situation feels too bright. She doesn’t understand she can paint a masterpiece just with her Amazing Grace. I can scream it as a mortal man but she wont hear me until she falls. I follow her like a bad religion and I feel like I writing scripture on padded walls. It is crazy to me you don’t see you like I see you. Insane to think if my faith was ever to diminish you’d be gone in a blink like old traditions. So eyes wide shut, my vision of us is on the brink
Still this angel, this beautiful angel.
I love her deep like the lost addict loves finding sins. Knowing everything you could be is my most important confession I get this feeling deep within from a place where the soul might be. The soil of my life is planting seeds where you may grow likely. Even if her gaining wing means losing her, I always want her to win. She has the power to build, an architect of all things that could be a holy trinity. Yet her energy is consumed by demolition, and her mind has a blueprint to destroy. There’s no malice behind this destruction. Her heart is pure. The intent is like a storm. It’s just apart of the nature of her elements she never means to harm.
Angel, you beautiful angel.
I hope you realize you can fly, you’re a blessing, you’re the sun. You are eternity in my humble eyes.
You are an angel. A beautiful angel.
Kansas The Gladiator: Part 3. 7.16.17
I don’t know the outcome. I’m am just a man with vision and vocabulary. Not the writer of prophecies by any means. Controlling how and when is in the hands of whatever scripture or science you believe in. What I am sure of with no doubt at all is there is so much potential that is left in the heart of a man whose spirit won’t allow him to quit. A gladiator who could be as broken as ancient cities we have now forgot, but instead holds hope sacred and his mind is as strong as the arsenal of every army to ever wage war. Being what he once was is distant in either direction that compasses coordinate, but in the present he’s a warrior. In the future he will be better. He will be a king. He is pure energy and energy never dies. All I can really tell you is: James “Kansas” Chapman will be alright.
And that sentence may be the most beautiful thing I will ever write.
If you would like to help the Chapman family in any way donate here.
Pickett Fences. 7.12.15
I realized something these past few years and I’ve been trying to stay blind to it because I didn’t want it to be this way. I avoided this epiphany, even though the universe put it right in my face. I think it’s safe to say we’ve all done that at some or multiple points in our life. Knew of something or had a realization but knew once we acknowledged it our world would change. So instead we actively choose not to accept the realization. We procrastinate the inevitable. But now this realization is at my front door and I either let this wolf in and acknowledge it or it will blow my home down. The thing I’ve come to realize is people play both sides of the fence, they are fence straddler’s. I’m not saying it’s a horrible thing. Just that I wish the world didn’t operate this way. To be as clear as possible I will give the definition
Fence straddler: Some one who constantly plays both sides of a deal, argument or any situation be it hostile or not. Essentially people who will walk along the fence with no loyalty until they see which side is greener then and only then will they jump off the proverbial fence. Unless they are found out and abruptly called out before a resolution is reached.
So basically I’m saying yea they are lowkey fake individuals.
Hmm– I’m really getting good at this writing thing.
Back to the topic at hand. Straddling the fence is needed at times. You have to maneuver through this world and be ready to benefit. I wish it wasn’t so, but some times things just is, what they be. My peeve comes with those who constantly do it. Those who do it to the ones that are suppose to be in their circle, squad, click, conglomerate. I am a very loyal person. It is probably the most important quality to me personally. And I will let you know where my loyalty lies. And it’s not a problem for me to say how I feel. I’m not a political figure, I can be honest with those around me. I never worry about the greenery around me, because all it takes is hard work, communication and water you’ll have a garden before you know it. Nature is beautiful. It’s these fence straddlers who jump into your yard last minute acting as friends the whole time, that make you constantly have to mow your lawn, trim your hedges and shake evil rotten apples from your tree. Because AS WE ALL KNOW! When the grass is cut, the snakes will show.
This is why you have to be careful of Brutus and the ides of March, that’s why you don’t let these Judas motherfuckas sit at your table when all they bring is silverware and an appetite. Feast with those who put on gloves, pull weeds and truly fuck with your energy. Don’t let these last minute reservation “Oh it looks good on this side” come and eat your organic salad. They are always looking for greener pastures.
Save straddling the fence for when you’re taking on the big monsters don’t use this technique with your friends. For instance I had this girl in the recent to distant near to far away past (yea I don’t want to give date details) tell me how I was too good for someone (Which no one is ever too good for anyone else. Unless they’re like some Law&Order: SVU type killer) but this same person was also telling the someone I didn’t deserve her. Now both situations are in the past, but that one kind of blew my mind. Especially because I didn’t even want this persons loyalty. I felt they should’ve been far more loyal to the her in the situation. And to be honest good or bad there are some things I don’t deserve in this life. But that brings me back to one of my core values.
Don’t let temporary people in the comment section of things that are both real and passionate. Things that could be forever.
I want everyone I consider friend/family to do well. Some people I love and care for enough there would be no hate in my heart if they did better than me. As long as they’re happy. If I’m good, we good. If they are good, I am great. All I want in this life is to be content and prosper. I don’t need it all.
Don’t shop around your loyalty to the highest bidder. Being consistent is as good as being royalty in my most humble opinion. So be consistent royalty. Don’t procrastinate on realizing things when you know they are at your front door. Be kind to everyone, but be loyal to few. Every battle doesn’t need you playing both sides in a war zone. Because soon people will not see you as a general but just as a court gesture. A fool best suited in a clown suit. Know who your allies are and bring water to their yard. I just don’t want to see you on the ground saying Ay Tu Brute, Ay Tu.
Not all cut from the same cloth. 7.12.15
Last week my friends mother gave me a quilt she personally made for me. That gesture alone made me smile. It’s not often people give me things or gifts of any kind. Not that I expect them either. Just doesn’t happen often.
What really made me so happy was she told me she had been working on this for a year and a half. When my Pop Pop passed it was a really hard time for me and she said she made this quilt because she wanted me to know no matter what there is always someone out there thinking of you. She went to different fabric shops every time she traveled and found materials to uniquely design this for me.
Material things aren’t high on my list of importance in life but I always want to be appreciated. I find that really important and I also like telling those who matter to me that I appreciate them. I like doing grand gestures for those I love but the little things I especially notice and have gratitude for. It’s a rarity to see humans do things that aren’t just for the sake of self preservation and genuinely just to benefit another soul. So if you ever read this, this is my little thank you. That meant a lot to the lion.
Kansas The Gladiator: Part Two
If you would like to help Kansas in any way a GoFundMe has been set up for him and please pray, give positive thoughts to him. Thank you he really is a great man. That has made the world a better place
Kansas The Gladiator
I am going to be honest with you. I don’t know which emotion is the strongest. I don’t know what feeling motivates me the most. Death, love, fear, hope, faith, anger, envy, jealousy, joy, happiness. There is so much power in what the human mind feels that can either lead to being prosperous or despair. I’ve felt all these some stronger than others and they have all evoked different reactions from me. They have all shaken me to my core in someway. In this life like most people who have ever lived. I’ve lost a lot, and I gained a lot. Each of the last four years I have lost someone I loved, all family. When I was younger I lost friends due to the circumstances of the environment I was raised in. It is all part of life and we all have to realize that. Out of anyone I’ve lost in life the hardest was my Pop Pop(grandfather). That day I cried, and I never cry. It’s just not in me. I know it’s healthy to do it, but I just don’t get to the point that tears sweep over me. But that day I broke down like I never have broken down before. I felt weak and hopeless in a way that the world didn’t make sense to me. Tears were falling and as they hit my hands and everything else around me all that I ever recognized went with them. I was across the country from anyone who knew the man like I did. Stuck in Reno and trapped in my own head. Luckily I had friends and at the time an amazing girlfriend that day who couldn’t quantify the pain I was feeling but helped ease it. She was someone who knew about death (that’s not my story to share) from earlier in life too. But I will forever appreciate her for being there for me in that time when all the clocks seemed too be slow and the compass of my life seemed to have no direction. I’m never very open when something is bothering me but those closest to me always know when they need to help me hold on to my sanity.
The first weekend of June 2015, I saw everyone around me crumble. It was such a beautiful collapse because it was natural and raw. My friend and for all definitions of the word brother Kansas broke his neck that weekend while trying to accomplish the Spartan Race. It was a freak accident and tragic couldn’t even describe the situation. Brutal would be how I could best categorize it. Not just physically but the fact that so instantaneous something like that could happen. As soon as I heard the news his brother Eric and I made the 6 hour drive to the Natividad Medical Center in California where he was having emergency surgery. I knew there would be nothing I could do for Kansas besides give well wishes in person and watch him be in pain. I made the trip because I couldn’t let Eric make that drive alone. If Kansas is my brother, Eric definitely fits the description of little brother. In a way in which we are complete opposite, I should probably hate him but I love him and we always have each others back no matter the situation. I couldn’t let him make that trip alone just trapped in his thoughts obviously only thinking the worst outcomes. So we threw a bunch of things into backpacks and left within 30 minutes. We talked about everything life, the universe, women, dinosaurs, religion, how stupid humans can be towards each other. Still every so often we’d go silent. Then one of us would acknowledge the reality of what was happening and how shitty it was. How truly fucking shitty it was. Then the other would proceed to initiate a positive thought into the conversation and know Kansas is going to be okay. Because he is Kansas and he is a warrior.
We got to the ICU that night tired and drained but we saw James Chapman laying in the bed looking like Hell, just had five hours worth of surgery and now had metal in his head and back. But was talking and had hope in his eyes that this wasn’t going to define him. Nothing could prepare us for this sight this gladiator in a hospital bed his body motionless he can’t feel anything below his shoulders,but his brain getting ready for the biggest fight of his life. This man who survived brain surgery and was a two time state champion in wrestling. Who just brought a plane ticket so he could be inducted into his high school hall of fame in August. Was now laying before us as a possible quadriplegic and all we could do is be so grateful he is alive.
Eric and I weren’t alone we had are own little Reno family(they know who they are) who also rushed there knowing there wasn’t much they could do either but share this burden with us.
Around midnight we all departed the ICU and went to our hotels. We managed a smile and a laugh knowing we’d all be back first thing in the morning hoping this was all some nightmare. Something that was hidden under our collective bed and would just go away. But it wasn’t ,it’s life, it’s a reality. The next day was tough for us all. That adrenaline we had from worrying had wore off. The long weekend and mental fatigue had began to set in. The news wasn’t sounding to good and the environment was depressing. This is not where someone in the prime of their life, peak physical shape, who just graduated with a degree in engineering and had a full time job was suppose to be. This is not where we’re suppose to be with him! We are a unit who individual bad things have happened to us but we often celebrated life. We went on trips together, we’ve got inside jokes, we party together, we have had our differences and we don’t say it everyday but we know we love each other. We know these people will be at our weddings and other monumental life events. This life event was monumental in another way. It was heavy, it is now a time when we realize, we need each other. In whatever way James Kansas Chapman needs us we have to be there. This too shall pass but not without labor. Not without heart. All those emotions we felt before in our life all were present and in our face.
I’ve always been a person people come to with their problems because I’m not big on sharing my own hardships. I deal with things by being strong for others. By hugging you when it becomes overwhelming and you need to break down and cry. Staying as calm as possible looking you in your eyes and telling you everything will be alright when those demons are whispering “don’t get back up”. We all need a hand sometimes. And that’s what I did that weekend, it’s what I do. My shoulders were made to carry weight. It was especially hard because the 3 people I tell everything and were constantly on my mind seemed so far away. My Pop Pop, My brother and best friend Kansas and one other person just felt so far from me. But these people in this ICU waiting room were there for me. All anxious knowing right now all we could have was time and patience. Knowing that all Kansas needed was a fighting chance. All he has had all his life was a fighting chance and he has always been victorious on every occasion. And no matter what he won’t give up so neither can we. We couldn’t let our clocks slow down. I know all of you want nothing but the best for Kansas and all the ones you consider family. All I ask is for some of your energy and as many positive thoughts as you can spare.
Later that night some of us had to leave for home. Because life doesn’t stop. There was Summer school, work, an entire world full of people who didn’t know what was going on asking you “So how are you?”. Expecting nothing but a simple reply of “I’m well, and you.?” But before we departed we all got a meal, this broken family. We laughed, we smiled, we knew the text would be non stop and calls endless in the upcoming weeks.This was going to be hard, everything in my house constantly reminds me my roommate is not here, I miss him. He is the person I do everything with. But in my head I realized something. Soon Kansas would be in rehab, and just like a gladiator all he needs is a chance to fight.This is just a different arena. This is not the end, it is just a chapter. It is just a path in his journey. A road less traveled. And looking at these people I can’t say how, I can’t say when, but I knew everything will be alright.
But I’m not perfect, I don’t have all the answers. I hope you are always surrounded family related or not. I’m just a kid from a Ohio that came to Reno not knowing one single person and thinks you should donate to this GoFundMe
Caitlyn means hate in the old world native tongue.
Humans are funny. Yes I say this being in fact a human. The last two days I have witnessed on social media the reactions to the Caitlyn Jenner cover and the fact the she is receiving the Arthur Ashe award at the ESPYs. And I just want to laugh at it all, but it’s such a sick joke I feel bad for how comical it all is. I understand the support but the outrage is what’s funniest to me. All you close minded people are essentially upset because a person who felt trapped their entire life decided to become an elderly white women. You’re for all intents and purposes upset that Bruce wanted to dress how he wanted, get his nails done, garden and read Martha Stewart. And this post isn’t as much about arrival of Caitlyn as it is about you. I’m going to go on the record and say I really didn’t care about Bruce and I don’t particularly care about Caitlyn. As long as she is happy with who she is and whoever her choice is helping doesn’t feel so alone, everything is cool in my book. Doesn’t affect my world at all. You have to be yourself in this life. If you have the entire world but you have to put on a mask to keep it. That is a miserable existence. On the other hand I also understand if you disagree with the women Caitlyn is or what she represents. You are entitled to that. What I don’t understand is the hate. Why do you hate her, this person you never met and has seemingly done nothing to you besides be who she truly feels she is?
Media outlets have described her as brave and courageous (which she is), but she never said that herself. Still imagine what it would take for normal people who go through this process everyday to come out and proclaim this transformation. Most of us crumble at the thought of our close friends finding out our true insecurities. Think about being one of the most famous athletes to ever live, being apart of the most famous family in the world (we put them there, we are obsessed with celebrity) and on top of that your entire life you’ve felt you were trapped in some one else’s body. Having not just to come out to your loved ones and social circle but the entire world. What if Bruce would’ve made this transformation into Caitlyn and not said anything we all would’ve paid it no attention and not demanded an explanation?! There really is no other route she could’ve taken. The biggest thing is all the people she is helping not just transgender or those who can identify. But anybody who feels like they are not being true to themselves in any aspect of life.
You act like there is only one way to be brave and courageous. Being brave and courageous is just that, being both brave and courageous. Caitlyn is not stepping on the front lines but she is acting as a crucifixion for all of you to hurl your hatred because she makes you uncomfortable and doesn’t fit into your reality. The ones who upset me the most with this is those who serve in our armed forces on Facebook with pictures of soldiers who are trying to compare fighting for our country to what Caitlyn is doing. All because of the outrage of her receiving an Espy. One none and I mean none of us really care about the ESPYs. It is just a shield to further the fact you don’t agree with her lifestyle. Do you even know the history of the award you’re so outraged about? Here is a start. Two she was one of the greatest Olympians ever to represent our country and against the soviets (the ESPYs is a sports award show). Plus this is a bigger deal on the ratings and social spectrum than anyone else getting it. A spectrum we created as a culture. The same reason ESPN shows Tebow and Micheal Sam on loop. They are a business and we all care in some way. I respect those who serve our country it is also both brave and courageous! It is very honorable and deserve more praise and benefits than we tend to give as citizens. But the reason you serve is to protect our country, our freedoms and liberties. So why are you so upset when Caitlyn is taking advantage of those constitutional freedoms by choosing to be herself? Is it because it isn’t your idea of freedom? It is a version of freedom that you don’t understand. Does that make her wrong for not living up to your expectations or you wrong for narrow necking words like freedom, bravery and courage into a little box definition that makes you comfortable and proud to say it.? You’re throwing up these pictures of vets with captions that are attacking this women. Not realizing these veterans went through this in order for people to express themselves (and yes you are entitled to your hate speech too). For all you know that man who got second place whole heartedly agrees with Caitlyn and what she represents in the broader scheme of things. For all you know he had a sibling who went through the same thing. And he is going to be more famous for not getting this award now than he ever would’ve been had he received it. If you disagree with that fact, you simply enjoy arguing and should be my lawyer one day. I can guarantee in the history of the armed forces there has been one person enlisted who has had an experience similar to Caitlyn Jenner. Are they no longer considered your brother or sister in arms if that is true?
Another thing I’ve seen is religious fanatics going on about how this is wrong/abomination/sin all that other stuff we pick and choose still translates today. Religion is cool. To form our society it was needed. I always believe you have to have faith in something no matter how small or God created everything in 6 days big. But answer me this question. No matter what you believe in, who wrote the religious text that you follow? Who physically put those words there? Have any of you ever talked to God, Zeus, Mother Earth or any other entity that could’ve possibly created us? Depending on the issue you create a new God to fit what you want. Is (s)he vengeful and spiteful or is (s)he loving and forgiving. Either way someone all knowing has more to deal with than Caitlyn Jenner becoming a fashion icon. Check your own sins at the door. I’m not perfect and I’ve moved a lot but every house has been made of glass. So I sit on my stones like furniture, I don’t throw them. I have vices and I indulge in them. I personally don’t care if there is or isn’t an afterlife. I’m going to live my life the same. Trying to be a decent human being, tell those I love that I love them, and learning from my mistakes. If I have to answer questions to reach eternity I will, and so will you. But I will be for damn sure asking some questions of my own too. Because all this going on in the world is fucked up, and I don’t want to be in heaven if some of you holy people are there.
In the end seriously why are you so fucking upset? I can’t speak for transgender society because I’ve never identified with anything but who I am. The same way a white politician on CNN can never truly comprehend what it’s like to be a black man in America. But just because I don’t understand something does not mean it’s wrong, I should hate it, or can’t accept it. Everything about being human is constructed. It is all a fluid concept. If you take offense or take any of this personally just know it says a lot more about you than it does me. There is a difference between disagreeing and hatred a vast sea of difference. Just because something doesn’t fit in your reality doesn’t mean it doesn’t belong in the world. Let go of these weak emotions before you drown in them.
But aye what do I know? Maybe you need that hate in your heart. Maybe you need the world to know you’re an idiot. I don’t know I’m just a kid from the 614 that rather drink champagne to celebrate than give power to what I don’t like.
Love usually comes in all the wrong places. Soulmates don’t come with a bow on them wrapped nicely underneath life’s Christmas tree.
If I want it, if it’s something/someone vital to me and “timing” isn’t right, I ignore clocks.
All this life shit isn’t like the movies. Even though we all play roles. Still find hope in someone that couldn’t be scripted. Find passion that can’t be acted and wouldn’t go away if someone said cut.
Saying I love you and meaning it is the most honest thing a human can do.
Saying I need you to someone else is the most vulnerable a person could ever be.
Hmm- But not saying these things back also takes courage. Knowing that this is what this person wants to hear and you can’t give it to them. That this is not where your heart is anymore. But courage and running are not the same. Don’t deny yourself. Don’t think it has to be one way. There is no certainty. Hard to quantify all of this.
There is so much power in belief. I am always trying to figure out when to hold on or let go. It’s not till you see the aftermath that you know if you made the right choice. You either build or destroy.
All I ask is please don’t judge me by the far reaching shadows of my mistakes.
How do you know that it’s light if you’ve never seen the dark? How do you know there’s light inside of you if you’ve never been dark.
I just needed room to grow. The more my spirit elevates the fresher the air gets around here.
Always caring, but never the most trusting person. Tall man, I keep everything that breathes at arms length. All these treasures in my mind but when it came to you maybe I opened up the vault too late. The circumstances of your life is people always leave so as a preemptive strike you’ve always been the one not to stay. And it’s not like you run. It’s more a fear that you might drown so instead you just drift away.
I remember everything but you on the other hand cant let go of pain. If you really break that down you’ll see it’s not the same.
I remember everything.
But you can’t let go of pain.
I don’t understand it all. I don’t need to. That’s not my purpose in life. I’ve been wrong. I’ve been right. And that will always repeat. That’s my history. All I seek in life is the unconditional. I never want to tame anybody. Minds are meant to be wild. Imagination should be free. Find someone to cherish like they were planted for you in the garden of Eden and charge everyone else an admission fee. Swim together in this ocean.
Hmm- Definetly going to write a post on Dori soon and all she can represent. That would be fun
Create it all and fear none of it. Or fear it all and create none of it. Timid is not a word for those who are destined to be happy. And I really hope to find my destiny. I hope you find your destiny too. Prosper.
But seriously though I’m not perfect. Fucking it up then getting it right is a daily occurrence for me. I learn and grow a lot this way. Maybe for you people never really do grow or change. Maybe when it comes to some people you’re not supposed to get it right. I hope that’s not true but, I don’t know I’m just a kid who spent part of his childhood being raised in Philly and misses cheesesteaks
Be More Than Somebody They Use To Know.
It’s astonishing to me in modern times we have more ways to talk and be in contact with each other than ever in the history of mankind but we communicate less than ever. I’ve never been able to stand in a room with someone I once said I loved and just act like they don’t exist. I’ve witnessed this first hand a few times this past weekend. It just bothered me because I know that is not what is in their heart. I force myself to get past the ego of it all, and say hello at least(Sometimes it means restraint from saying things like “and fuck you forever can’t believe I made you that mix CD in middle school” or “ I love you and I wish that was enough for you. Let’s go somewhere, anywhere and never leave my side again”). It is complicated, we can all admit that. I know it’s hard but it’s the simple things that can be our biggest hardships. Let them know you appreciate they’re doing alright, because you never know what can happen and you won’t be able to say it. Always thought life was too short for anything besides honesty. I know I am an outsider when it comes to this concept. Still someone who I went on an intimate journey with I rather reminisce on the path we took than watch bridges burn from afar. That smoke will kill you and ruin your new view. People leave so much room for hate, you start to think there was never anything else there.
The person you told all your naked secrets shouldn’t be treated like a stranger once you put your clothes back on.
But I know everyone handles things differently. Texts go unanswered and experiences become distant memories. Those 4 A.M. nights when you stayed up listening to the Beatles drunk under the stars talking about everything become lyrics of summers past. All these ways to communicate yet sometimes words tend to escape us. We think about a person all day, but are unable to send one sentence their way. We don’t want to blurt out all these things that could let people in. So all these rules are formed that we make norms to protect our pride. I’ve been guilty of it too all these wicked games we play when the situation is between two.
We don’t want to get lost in the moment. Even though the moment is sometimes the most important thing we have. So often we don’t realize greatness until it past. We don’t see purity until after we tainted it. All these shooting stars and it’s not until we are looking up at a sky of nothingness that we wish we had made a wish. The human condition is so much but we express so little. Even sitting here writing this I’m wondering who will see this and who how will they react. When I should be thinking who needs to see this and how can I articulate it better.
Concerned with all the wrong things.
Contemplating if I’m investing my energy in all the wrong people.
We’ve all been here in some form or fashion. The dreaded in between stage of life lessons. All these voices that are temporary are often the ones giving you advice on the things that are real and forever. And it constantly feels like you are mixing oil with water when all you want is something pure. All I want forever is to look in the eyes of someone I love on a Saturday afternoon, drink a few shots of tequila and figure it all out. But that’s not how this works. This is a generation that doesn’t hit send. We delete pictures of those that made us happy in order to hopefully forget that there were ever genuine feelings there. We get upset when we are reminded that someone once had the power to make us truly happy and also make us so angry that our blood boils.
I want to remember it all.
My mind is a library and I never want you to be a blank space.
I never want to be numb to it all.
I’m not perfect so even in my words sometimes I faultier when trying to speak to stars. I grew tired of complications that occurred because I would whisper I love you’s to the ones who had my heart. So now I yell it whenever I get the chance. Say “I miss you” whenever you want to. Say “I need you” whenever you have to. Let those syllables fall and lay where they may, then sleep in that bed until you need rest no more. Not saying this has always worked in my favor, trying to be transparent as possible. Everything works out better in your head. Communication is really something you need a partner in. You have to listen more than you speak and they have to want to hear you. Sometimes you hit send into the universe but life doesn’t hit reply. But there is no moving on if you don’t take a step. There is no fighting for or losing them if you never set foot inside the arena. Every yes or no is a new way to define your world. It is all a journey. If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. The universe is nothing but time and space don’t force anything just give people the universe. Time and Space.
But what do I know? Maybe for you it’s too late for words. Maybe for you it needs to be cold and numb. I don’t know, I’m just in a kid in Reno right now craving Chipotle.
A Fighters Chance.
I’m not perfect. Rarely do I ever get anything right the first time. It’s not a flaw, it’s a tool. It’s the most human thing about me. It’s a way to let me know what or who I really want and need in this life I’m striving for. I tend to right my wrongs and realize my mistakes. I overthink everything. When I fuck up, it gives me a chance for self reflection. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m a very logical person. I’m always thinking how to move in a room full of vultures. But when I’m passionate about something and think it’s real I go after it with all my energy. To me things that are real and passion are the only things that last forever. It’s a balancing act I am always tight roping. Trust me a lot of the shit we worry or obsess about on the daily is not real.
Yes the fact I usually need another shot at things has taught me what I really want. After you fall running in a certain direction while you’re on the ground you make a decision. You either get up and keep running in that direction because the fall was worth it or you pick a new course. Every scar has a story and every view starts with a journey. There is a drastic downside to being imperfect and needing more than one and sometimes multiple go around at things.
Remember as imperfect as you are, the rest of the world is imperfect too. Find beauty in that. Don’t just take chances, give them.
But aye maybe you do get it all right in life maybe you have never failed. Idk I don’t have all the answers I’m just a kid from the 614 that likes fruit snacks and Caprisuns.
When Rap Was One Big Rugged Family
There was a time when rap was one big rugged family and I miss it. From the mid 90’s to the mid 2000’s there was a major flux of rappers becoming CEO’s and getting distribution deals that gave them their own label. I am going to give praise to a few giants that we will all recognize. Roc-A-Fella Records, Bad Boy Records, Death Row Records, No Limit Records, Cash Money Records, G-Unit Records, Murder Ink, Ruff Ryders, Dipset, Wu-Tang. These were musical juggernauts and growing up falling in love with the culture I understood these faces and their stories. Yes I realize behind the illusion of most of these was some middle aged white guy who was making all the money.
Snapple Fact Of Life: Behind almost everything, and yes I mean EVERYTHING is some middle aged or old white guy that’s making all the real money.
Still outside of our sports these were our heroes. The only Christopher we acknowledged was Wallace. These record labels helped shaped our identity growing up. When you threw up The Dynasty sign for Roc-A-Fella records that was like a flag you held proudly in the air with your fellow countrymen. When we said “It’s Bad Boy for life” there was no telling us that this historic run wouldn’t go on for eternity and we wouldn’t all be apart of it. Cash Money records was royalty to us. All these young black males with an absurd amount of jewelry, cars that weren’t rented but actually had the license plate, making up words that actually became accredited and got into the dictionary (see:Bling Bling). 50 cent had a moment when the entire world was a G-Unit solider. “In Da Club” was playing on country stations and no matter your race, creed, religion, ethnicity you could find unity in yelling “Ggggg-unit”. Ruff Ryders with the double R would actually come to your local hood and feed the people while popping willies in the street. My mother was once part of a biker gang and I actually saw this happen growing up in Philly.
All of this and the best part was the head of these labels that got these distribution deals were all like me. They yelled these names out at the top of songs or after their verse and you thought you were part of the clique. Everyone of these labels had a different style and flare. They all had different signs to let you notify the world you were affiliated (at least musically) with them and different phrases you would yell out during the song at the local house party. I was trying to avoid the term but during this time these were the worlds most powerful gangs, besides the government and mob of course. Still they were more than gangs they were family. I guess depending on your circumstances gangs are family the same way my best friends are family. Every time you heard these songs it invoked emotion. They went hard you went hard, they rapped about love you wanted to experience it. If Ja Rules “Put It On Me” doesn’t make you want to get your voice as raspy as possible and scream that chorus to the top of your lungs like you are still watching TRL or 106 and Park then we simply can not be in the same room together, because I’ll fight you. The music videos were the best part of our day. Back when you actually could catch music videos on television. After school belonged to TRL and 106 and park
Hmm- Maybe I should do a “Just My Thoughts” on the greatness that was TRL.
When these record labels had beef we were torn and had to affiliate with sides. It would be discussed in heated debates in barbershops and in between classes. When diss songs made your soul burn slow and want to takeover everything. Sometimes it would get too real (Major R.I.P. Big and Pac), but sometimes they would come together cousins and make us love family reunions.Shout out to The Dipset and Roc-A-fella alliance that was fun while it lasted.
These labels had clothing lines, rappers getting signature shoe deal, they were making movies! This was black excellence! And when I say black excellence I don’t mean only black folks could enjoy it. Because America loves black culture, even if as a whole we don’t like bla…nvm. All I’m saying is it was a beautiful time and I miss it, I think we all do.
Nowadays there’s more rappers than fans. The gawds we once knew that set atop Mount Olympus sipping champagne like nectar are just titans held captive to the thing we are all held captive to, the money. Snoop is on ESPN or doing pop Songs, Ice Cube is a lukewarm family friendly man, Ja Rule is a ghost, Nelly drops music no one hears, 50 cent starting beef now is more of a comedy routine, Dipset doesn’t rap and when they do we don’t care. Master P’s son is doing community college commercials, Lil Wayne and Baby are going to court, Dr. Dre is never giving us The Chronic, HOV is always buying something, and Diddy is always selling us something. I don’t hate it I respect it, I respect it all. All of it was to get to the money and open doors and that’s exactly what these labels did. So I have to admire it. I just miss my family.
Now we got male R&B singers throwing up gang signs and rapping mid song. Like please just sing to me about being in love, being miserable, or getting my girl back! All the devoted fan bases belong to the ladies Beyonce, Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Adele etc., no longer the first lady of these labels like an Ashanti or Eve. All have nifty names for their fan base( Bey-Hive, Ririnavy, Little Monsters etc.). The Boy bands have reemerged and taken all the pretty girls with nice feet back who use to be in rap videos giving us ugly dudes hope. And I appreciate and respect it because they are all extremely talented. But don’t you dare try to tell me saying bey-hive is the same as throwing up The Dynasty sign. Just invokes different emotions. Remember before Kanye got put on and when he first got put on how ecstatic he was to be down with the “R-O-C running this rap shit”. We were all Hip-hop street teams a bunch of nieces and nephews getting hip to the game and all the riches it had to offer from rap lyrics and screaming rap exces who was all up in the video. It was suppose to be Bad Boy for Life and Cash Money taking over for the 99′ and the 2000’s. Now its like looking in photo albums at your Nana’s house during family reunions. It was an ignorant, flaunting, stunting, beautiful bliss and now it is just nostalgic. I miss my family.
Shout out to G.O.O.D Music, Shady, Taylor Gang, St. Lunatics, Disturbing Tha Peace, MMG, Young Money and OVO. But I think we can all admit it is just not the same. They are all the children of these labels and for the most part only have one major star unlike the aforementioned labels. I’m not perfect you don’t have to agree with me. Maybe you like R&B dudes constantly singing about stealing your girl. IDK I’m just a kid from the Midwest that likes tequila shots.
The Constant Gardener
I have never been a student to the school of thought that “People want to see you happy, just not happier than them.” To me that mentality belongs to the culture of the wicked and weak minded.
Snapple fact of life: There will always be someone more or less of something than you. And in the rarity you are the best or worst at anything in particular. I promise someone is coming for your spot.
Ambition seems to be essential to the evolution of human survival. We are never satisfied and have that yearning to want to amplify everything. Ambition is a great quality and key to being successful. It’s a characteristic every woman I have ever loved posed. Everyone you surround yourself with closely should have ambition. But it does not have to be an arrow that pierces the dreams and goals of anyone and everyone else.
Everyone I genuinely care about and want to see happy. I just want to see them happy period. Does not matter or is not hinging on my level of happiness. There’s no criteria of “Hey I want you to do really well in life but if everything is not going splendid for me too. I’m kinda going to need you to just do okay. Thanks.” Every time I clap for you know it is genuine. When you fall know I want you to learn and always get back up one more time. I am in a good place and my only focus is trying to find a way to get my squad and kinfolk to a great place. I don’t look at the next man or woman and compare because I live in a glass house and it comes with a lot of mirrors. Self refection is crucial, and don’t waste your endless potential with the thought process that your level of happiness is based on what is going on in someone else’s garden. You can’t write your story if you’re constantly trying to uses someone else’s ink. There is no quota on who can prosper in this world. As the prophet future so eloquently put it. “Let’s fuck up some commas”
My mindset may be differing from yours. You may not care at all who is happy. Maybe you are just one of those people that want to see the world burn. Or that single asshole who wishes at 11:11 that everyone else wish doesn’t come true. I’m not perfect, I don’t have all the answers. I’m just a kid from the Midwest whose favorite dessert is soft crust apple pie.